


Choices, Choices: Were There Really?

by Waenhir



Series: Shepard's Love Interests [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2013-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-09 07:00:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waenhir/pseuds/Waenhir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the story Horizon: The Confrontation and Beyond, this is a series of short chapters on all the eligible romance candidates for Shepard (F) in ME2, minus the chocolate syrup associate, Kaidan Alenko. (He was bashed to a pulp in Horizon: The Confrontation and Beyond already) Also in here, dear old Garrus and how and why Shepard still chose him and who else were involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

 

Eligible Humanoid: Jacob Taylor

 

Jacob Taylor could be summed up to just one word for Shepard - infuriating. Whatever "good stuffs" he said he had, Shepard sure failed to see it. Shepard was so ready to put him in a tub of medi-gel and left him there on Freedom's Progress during their first mission together if she had found a bathroom with a tub. Unfortunately for her, and fortunately for him, Freedom's Progress inhabitants did not like taking baths and so, that chance was sadly, totally lost. 

It was not that Jacob was not a nice guy. On the contrary, he was a very nice guy. Even Joker had said he was a nice guy, and Joker usually did not have much good things to say about people who were nice guys. Wait. Shepard narrowed her eyes. Joker did say something else about Jacob being way too nice for all the ways he knew how to kill people. And if Shepard were to go by Joker's standard, that would make Joker's words a very bad example of saying Jacob was a nice guy. Something was very off with that Jacob Taylor but Shepard could not put her finger on it. He just infuriated her. Maybe it was the way he spoke, like he was trying to ooze sex out of that voice of his... Or maybe it was the way he wiggled those eyebrows. Shepard swore someday, she might club the man to death with one of the guns in the armory if she had to see him do them again. She could literally feel her fingers curling into fists whenever she thought back on how she had walked into the armory to speak to Jacob and watched his eyebrows go where they were not supposed to only to not have shaved them off right there and then. It would be unfair of her to do that simply based on what could be an uncontrollable facial movement but it would sure as hell be extremely satisfying. What made it worse was that he was actually acting like a gentleman when his voice went to that place where all voices went when they tried to be naughty and his brows started doing their thing. And Shepard was almost always caught off guard and too confused to do anything until she walked out of the armory and then scratched her head and wondered why she felt extremely uncomfortable while she was in the room. Someday, Shepard told herself. Someday, she would catch that guy after she stopped being a confused bat she had been and totally put a stop to it.

Curses from Miranda from somewhere near her reminded Shepard that she was not the only one who felt like murdering Jacob Taylor. And believed it or not, at the moment, Shepard was the patient one. 

"What the bloody hell were you doing pulling that thing for!" Miranda screamed from behind the cover. "We were concentrating fire on this one, you bloody halfwit!"

"I was trying to bring that one down so he won't add on the fire power," Jacob said calmly as he hid behind a crate and opened fire.

"He was freaking unconscious!" Miranda shouted back.

"He was waking up."

"He was not!"

"Will you two stop it!" Shepard shouted back right before a sniper bullet hit the back of the head of the biotic merc Miranda and herself was trying to bring down, instantly killing him.

So much for trying to make a good impression on the Archangel, Shepard thought. He saved them more times over the last five minutes than they did him. And with all these going on with her little team, he must thought they were all imbeciles by now.

"Move forward, kids," Shepard ordered. "And stop screaming like a girl when you start shooting or I swear, Jacob, I will boot you off the bridge myself!"

"That was my battle cry," Jacob answered as if that was the most natural thing in the universe.

Maybe "infuriating" was not the right word to use for Jacob. "Bipolar" might be. What was bipolar anyway, Shepard asked herself. Did suddenly screaming like a girl one moment and then going all calm the next considered bipolar? If it did, Jacob Taylor was definitely a Bioplar. Or maybe he was just "creepy". The way he would try so very hard to make his voice low and sexy...and those brows...and then ran into battle with that high pitch tone that could shatter glass only to turn about almost within seconds to sound like some jazz singing dude.... Yes. Jacob Taylor was creepy. 

"My nanny screamed more like a man than you!" Miranda shouted from across the other crate.

"Miranda, your nanny WAS a man," Jacob answered back.

"Precisely!"

Crossing the bridge, Shepard shot two mercs in the back while Archangel blew the head off of a third from his hiding place. Another two were taken care of by Miranda while Jacob finished off the last guy when they reached the stairs. Taking them two at a time, Shepard and the two Cerberus agents arrived on the second floor to see two mercs trying hard to get into the room.

Jacob screamed like a girl.

And Shepard jumped like the two mercs at the door. The pain in her head since she woke up did a double take and zapped her like a laser right through between her eyes.

"Shit! Jacob! I swear!" 

One merc screamed also and dropped his gun while the other swung his around. Merc A must be the inexperienced one while Merc B must be the experienced one. Shepard trained her gun on Merc B . Apparently, Miranda must had thought the same because she sprayed bullets onto the man the same time Shepard opened fire. They did not stop at just shooting the experienced Merc B though.

"Guess you discovered a new biotic," Shepard said after both mercs were taken care off. 

"But I swear if you Sonic Blast right next to me again," Shepard threw her discarded heat sink at Jacob. It landed square on his hard abs and he made a "ouff" sound. "I will stuff you head into a dead Krogan's ass!" 

"You mean Sonic Screech," Miranda corrected.

The door opened to the Archangel's snipping quarters and they entered it. But then Archangel decided to play coil with her by hushing her when she started to speak. Great job, Shepard. She got up three mornings ago from the dead and found herself working with Moe and Larry. And now, she found Curly too.

Curly snipped the last inexperienced merc and got up. Oh, that was why he had hushed her. Shepard must really had been pulled out of the oven half baked. She thought he was just squatting there to look cool and playing it like he was some crime fighting super hero. She seriously had not expected that hidden merc. Shepard decided she really needed to get her game back. If not, she might have to call herself Curly instead. Anyway, what a show off. Could not have him going around being called Curly anymore. Not very Curly at all.

The no longer Curly looked exhausted when he sat on top of one of the crates in the room and took off his helmet.

"Shepard, I thought you were dead?"

"Garrus! What are you doing here?" Oh, thank the Spirits or whatever was in charge of the Turians, her Curly was Garrus! Shepard decided immediately Garrus would take back the name, Curly, because now that he was here, she would end up turning him into one anyway.

\------------------------------------------------

"Jacob," Shepard said from her place next to Garrus. "I want you to stay behind and make sure Garrus' safe."

"If you say so," Jacob said. "I'm not sure it's a good idea."

"It's the best idea I've since I came back from the dead," Shepard grinned at Garrus.

"Really, Shepard? You might need all the help you can get down there?" Garrus asked. When she just continued to grin, he bent down and said quietly, "Did you just find a new way to torture me without the Mako? I've heard the screaming too, you should know. It's how you scolded him for doing it that confirmed to me it was you and not some clone, actually."

"You're kidding me," Shepard smile grew larger. "Really?"

"Really. Only you could come up with such nonsensical creative ways of scolding. No clones can be cloned to say even that kind of nonsense."

"Really?" Shepard narrowed her eyes again, no longer smiling.

"Absolutely," this time it was the tired Garrus whose smile widened.

"Suck it up, Garrus. Been dead two years and now woke up half alive with the worst hang over of the galaxy. So you'll have to do what you did best."

"I watched your six, Shepard," Garrus said. "I don't remember babysitting for you."

"You always did," Shepard watched Garrus questioning eye. "Kaidan, remember?"

"No way," Garrus' eye widened. "Not going there again."

"Not negotiating."

Garrus sighed. "Not much time left, Shepard. Just go do your thing you do best or you"ll be hearing me screaming like a girl next. Just like old times, huh Shepard?"

"With me back, Turian, it's going to be better than old times!"

And with that, Shepard headed for the stairs down to lock up for Garrus with Miranda and grinning from ear to ear that she had left the screaming Jacob with her old friend.

\------------------------------------------------

"I still think I need a mirror," Garrus said thoughtfully after Jacob left the room. He carefully traced his Turian talons over the injury on his face after taking the rocket there.

"Vain pot," Shepard said.

"Dead Specter," Garrus retorted.

"Oh don't remind me," Shepard groaned. "The headache is so bad I feel like I need to drill a hole through my skull to get rid of it."

"Maybe you skull has had drilling done all over it, that's why you've a headache."

Shepard groaned louder.

"Frankly, I'm worry about you," Garrus said, pointing back where Jacob had exited. "Cerberus, Shepard? You remember those sick experiment they were doing?"

"Garrus, I am now one of those sick experiment they were doing, remember?"

"We both have been cybernetically enhanced by Cerberus," Garrus said. "So I'm going to let that one slide."

"Actually, I don't trust them," Shepard said closer to Garrus. "They are one big pot of strange brewing. And I've this feeling they are using everyone they gave me on this ship as bait. But no one else is stopping the Collectors from wiping out the human colonies. They gave me a ship and resources. I've to take what I've got. So I need you to be here with me to watch my six."

"Can't argue with that," Garrus said. "But just to have you know that means you're dragging me along back into hell again. Hah, just like old times."

"And just like old times," Shepard joked. "You're still such an ass of a complainer."

"Ouch," Garrus said. "My fragile heart."

"So, before you go do what you do best," Shepard said. "What do you think of that Jacob Taylor?"

"The screamer?"

"The screamer."

Garrus looked sideways at his Commander. 

"Seriously, Shepard," he said. "I'm not interested in any romantic encounter of the gay kind, no matter how great their abs look. I'll rather take my chances with Korgan women."

"You're such an ass," Shepard said as Garrus lightly chuckled to avoid pain to the side of his face. "I'm saying don't you find him weird? There's something wrong with that guy and I intend to find out. I mean he went, "Commander, we've done what we could for Garrus?" just now on me! And I think he enjoyed that he was inflicting pain on me making me think you were gone. I think he's psychotic, or one in the making."

"He seemed nice," Garrus shrugged. "He was actually saying a lot of good things about you while you were down locking up the doors. I won't really think he's psychotic."

"Oh, Garrus, trust me. There's something weird about that guy, and I'm determined to find out."

"And while you're at it," Garrus said turning to the door. "I'll make myself nicely settle into the forward battery and hope to the Spirits my Commander won't rope me in on any form of spying on the Cerberus agent named Jacob Taylor."

"Not happening, Curly," Shepard said without turning. "If I'm going to hell, I'm dragging your Turian ass with me."

"I don't even know what a "Curly" is. And you're paying for some really slick sniper rifles if you're dragging my ass with you!" came his reply before the door slid close


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

Eligible Humanoid: Kelly Chambers

 

Shepard hopped out of the elevator and onto the galaxy map. She was in a good mood today. First, she had Garrus back. The one person she needed to find among her old team. Tali, she had met on Freedom's Progress hours after she woke up from being dead. Wrex's whereabouts were clear. Liara was on Illuim on her own device so that meant she should be fine. Kaidan? Shepard never minded him. He would most likely be where the Alliance wanted him anyway. Plus, she was not sure if she wanted to meet Kaidan knowing how difficult it was to make sense of things to him. This whole Cerberus logo Normandy would throw him into a fit if he saw it and he might let lose his biotics and totally fry her new, longer hair. She liked her new, longer hair....

But Garrus.... This dumb Turian had totally gone off the map a few months after she died, according to The Illusive Man. That Illusive Man was no help at all when it came to her personal business.... Maybe that was being too judgmental. he did manage to give her Joker and Doctor Chakwas. Although Shepard felt like they were there more as unknowing hostages than Cerberus employees.... But pulling a disappearing act the way Garrus did might have given her a heart-attack if her heart had not already stopped once and was now enhanced cybernetically with God knew what technology. Shepard wondered why none of her old team tried looking for him. Were they so strangly distanced without her around? Did they need her as the linchpin always? She actually thought she might have to send out extranet bulletins to her contacts to track down the Turian.... 

Anyway, and then, she got him back with very little hiccups! Good job, Resurrected Shepard! And then, he nearly went and died on her, which she thought he would seriously have some explaining to do if he did! And then, no thanks to Jacob's little psychotic trolling, Shepard really thought he was dead for a minute or two! And then, she was relieved to find the God knew what cybernetics Cerberus used might have actually saved his life as they had brought hers back! Double good job, Resurrected Shepard! Even though technically, it was not her credit to take, she was taking it anyway. And boy, since she had been pulling such a long face after finding out the Turian was missing and later rushing him back to the ship from the bowels of Omega on his back, she thought she might need a break from all the dramas and all the "And Thens".

Next on the list to make it into her Little Happy Shepard's Black Book was that she had found a rather amusing little Science Officer with a pendent for genetics and quirky speech pattern who was now nicely settled in her Research Lab, helping make upgrades to her ship, her armors and her guns. Ok, so he might not really be little when he stood at six-feet-two and one hundred and forty-ish pounds. Slim, maybe? This new Salarian Science Officer came complete with a missing horn, and a rather amusing story on how it was cut off too.

"Lost it in a fight," said the bona fide genius slashed doctor slashed commando slashed mathematician causally but with tones and movements of theatrics, pointing with his eyes upward to his missing horn. 

"Years ago. Still young. Inexperienced. Never knew Hanar that sneaky. Sharp razor blades. Too many limbs. No Drells then. Saw it coming. Too late. Duct and lost horn. Hanar lost more. Not enemies now. Polite but still unfriendly. Met him again few years ago. Maybe a she? Not a he? Couldn't tell still. Both sexes sounded alike. Never asked. Not closed enough to. Rather not stand too close. Now has two Drells. Paranoid."

Shepard liked Mordin almost immediately.

“...His psych profile warned of hyper behaviour, but he… he’s like a hamster on coffee !” Kelly Chambers was saying to Shepard as Shepard mused around with the map in front of her.

"Who?" Shepard asked. She was not listening. "What? Where? When? How? Why?"

"I mean Doctor Mordin Solus, Commander," the Yeoman said. "Like a hamster on coffee."

"Kelly, if you feed my hamster coffee, I swear I'll stuff your mouth with sunflower seeds and tie you to the waste disposal and get Zaeed to tell you all his "once upon a time" stories," Shepard only heard "hamster" and "coffee" because she usually filtered Kelly Chambers like her helmet filtered air when she was on the planet Eletania. Shepard really just needed to hear words like "mails" and "talk to" and "open quote, team mate's name, close quote" from Kelly. She had always been a woman who preferred people not talking xenopsychobabble that sounded more like "Woohoo! Is that thing available for humping?"

Kelly watched her with those big, brown, expressive, gorgeously exotic eyes behind the thick, black lashes. Because she was watching Shepard now that Shepard finally noticed Kelly Chambers' eyes were not properly aligned with each other, making her looked rather "air-headedly" retarded. No wonder Shepard had always thought those eyes looked off. Ok, so maybe those big, brown eyes were not so exotic or gorgeous crossed like that, but they sure were expressive.

"What?" Shepard actually felt a surge of guilt rushed through her. "That was a joke," she lied.

Kelly Chambers chuckled a little. 

"I never knew, Commander, that you enjoy a little Kinbaku," Kelly said, smiling. "I quite like it myself, actually. I could see you doing it to me."

Shepard frowned. Was that a proposition masquerading as a joke? Or a joke masquerading as a proposition? And what the hell is a Kinbaku, anyway? It sounded Japanese. She told herself to make a mental note to ask Kasumi later. 

"Is there anything else?" Shepard asked, not looking up from the map, pretending those words were filtered.

"Yes, Commander. You have unread messages at your terminal," the Yeoman said.

Messages. Shepard looked at her private console to the galaxy map to Kelly Chambers and back again to the console. Yes. Her proximity to the Yeoman would be so much more acceptable at the console then at the map until Shepard found out what Kinbaku meant.

Shepard jumped off the steps and went to her console, "click...toot...toot...click," the console went as she navigated to get into her mail. "Click..."

"Kelly, did Nicotine Head put you up to this?" Shepard asked, looking at the screen.

"Commander?"

"Did he? Because it looked like he did," Shepard said. "Did he pay you to piss me off every time I flipped him the finger?"

"I don't understand, Commander," Kelly was visibly uncomfortable.

"Why then do you keep telling me " you have unread messages at your terminal"," Shepard mimicked her Yeoman. "When I didn't!"

\------------------------------------------------

"Get your ass off cloak," Shepard said, walking into the main battery. "I need to ask you something."

"Shepard, can this wait a bit, I'm in the middle of some calibration," Garrus said automatically.

"I wasn't talking to you, Garrus," Shepard said. "Kasumi! I said get your ass off your cloak! NOW!"

Kasumi decloaked next to Garrus and smiled at him, sending the Turian hissing backward.

"What the fuck! How long have you been standing here?" Garrus yelped.

"Hey, Shep," Kasumi greeted. "Hey, Garrus. A while now?"

"What the.... How come I.... Spirits!" Garrus was still shell shocked.

"I'm not the galaxy's Master Thief in name only, Garrus," Kasumi said.

"What the hell are you doing in my room?" Garrus asked.

"I was bored."

"Spirits! No wonder my calibrations hasn't been right today. Every time I turned around it went to hell. I punched in the same numbers a dozen times and a dozen different numbers came back at me every time!"

"I told you I was bored," Kasumi said again, smiling mysteriously under her hood. "So, Shep. What can I do for you?"

"How many times have you been "bored" since you came on board?" Garrus was not happy.

But Shepard was snickering, her was mood lifted back a little. Oh yeah, this felt great actually. Garrus had holed himself up in the main battery since he came on board and every time she came over to say hi, he had practically chased her out saying he was "in the middle of some calibration". She was not bothered by it just yet, knowing he was doing the right thing to enhance the ship's firing power but still, payback was a bitch alright, and her name today was Kasumi! 

"Tell me," Shepard asked. "Is "Kinbaku" Japanese? Do you know what it means?"

"Kinbaku?" Kasumi repeated, using her own Japanese accent.

"Yap. Kinbaku."

"Shep," Kasumi said. "I didn't know you like Japanese style sex bondage. I personally find that style of BDSM, or any BDSM rather distasteful."

"BDSM?" The Turian asked.

"Shut up, Garrus," Shepard hushed. "And no, I don't find bondage interesting. But I think I'm gonna kill the person who does soon. I can't believe anyone would dare to proposition me into doing bondage with them."

"Bondage?" Garrus asked.

"You are attractive, to say the least," Kasumi said. "Being propositioned for sex shouldn't come as that much of a surprise, really."

"It's not the sex. Sex I can totally deal with. It's thinking that I would even be into such things and being inappropriate enough to want it while on duty that I do not like."

"Sex on duty?" Garrus asked.

"I told you to shut up, Garrus," Shepard scolded.

"How do you expect me to shut up when you two are talking about sex and bondage and sex while on duty?" Garrus asked. "I'm male, you know?"

"I'm curious too," Kasumi said. "And I'm not male."

"See," Garrus pointed to Kasumi, who nodded.

"Shut up, both of you," Shepard said. Then to EDI, she asked, "EDI, can I fire Kelly Chambers?"

"I am afraid you cannot, Commander," came EDI's voice.

"Kelly Chambers, huh?" Garrus said, leaning back against the door. 

"Should have guessed," Kasumi leaned against the console. "She'll hump anything that moves. If I brought a LOKI with me, I bet she'll ask if she can hump it."

"Shut up, both of you," Shepard said again. 

"Can I space her?" She asked EDI.

"I am afraid that would require a lot of paperwork, Commander," EDI answered.

"Miranda can do that," Shepard said.

"I am afraid you cannot space her even if First Officer Lawson agreed to doing the paperwork. Yeoman Kelly Chambers is a vital part of this operation," EDI explained.

"What does she do that is so vital?" Shepard asked. "She tells me I've got mail and was usually wrong about that. She said she is the ship's psychologist but I still run around being the ship's counselor. All she gives are one liners psychoanalysis of people I brought back to the ship which anyone could have said them, if you could call those psychoanalysis. Most of them sounded more like her informing me who she would like to sleep with. "Oh, there's something about Garrus I just want to hold him close and whisper "it’ll be all right"," Shepard mimicked.

"Spirits," Garrus said. "That was the most unsexy proposition any females has ever given me."

Kasumi laughed.

"You've a problem with the way I just propositioned you?" Shepard said. "Because that was what the Yeoman said."

"Not the words," Garrus explained. "The way YOU said it. The words sounded great but Spirits, Shepard. You've a lot to work on if you want to pick up someone awesome. Only deadbeat drunks would find that remotely sexy."

Kasumi laughed harder.

"Those were the Yeoman's words! Not mine! I was acting like her!"

"Whatever you said, Shepard," Garrus said.

"EDI, can I space Garrus?" Shepard narrowed her eyes on her friend who was smirking. 

"If that is your wish," EDI said.

"Hey," Garrus stood up taller. "Whatever happened to being a vital part of the crew?"

"Officer Vakarian is part of the Commander original ground crew and personal friend," EDI said. "The Commander has full say on the matter. Yeoman Kelly Chambers is an operative under the employ of Cerberus. Spacing her would require going through a lot more red tapes. Spacing you, however, should require no paperwork or authorization except that from the Commander."

It was Shepard's turn to smirk.

"Get it, Garrus?" she said. "Next time I proposition you, you better say it was one hell of a sexy come on or I swear, Garrus, I will space your Turian ass out the ship."

Kasumi was still laughing.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

 

Eligible Humanoid: Thane Krios

 

"One moment," the assassin said, putting his palms together and bending over the body of Nassana. "Prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken."

Shepard turned and stared at Garrus.

"He's a fish," she heard Grunt muttered to himself from behind her.

"What?" Garrus whispered, watching her staring at him.

"He's just like you!" Shepard said. "He just shushed me. Do all you hot blooded males think that shushing a woman while acting all cool is cool? And to think I thought he was sexy when he dropped down from the vent like he did just now."

"He is cool," Grunt said.

Shepard and Garrus turned to Grunt and gawked at the Krogan. That came as a surprise. They never thought the tank born would actually think anyone cool. Actually, Shepard and Garrus never thought Grunt even understood the meaning of the word.

"He reminds me of the watermelon I ate yesterday," Ok.... They were right about Grunt not knowing the meaning of the word. 

"Same green and red," Grunt continued without looking at either of them. "His eyes look like the seeds. The melon was cool. Saw it in the refrigerator. Told the cook I would throw him in there with the melon and eat him when he was cold if he didn't give me some of it and he gave me the whole thing. It looked just like this guy here. Same shape as his head too. Very cool. Except he is a fish, not a melon."

"We were not referring to the temperature...," Garrus shook his head. Shepard turned back to staring at him. "Stop staring at me like that, Shepard. You shushed me all the time."

"That's different," Shepard said.

"So, you can shush me but no one can shush you?"

"Yap."

"If he doesn't stop praying for that woman in ten seconds, can I shush him? Then, can I eat him?" Grunt asked. "I am hungry."

"No, Grunt," Shepard answered him. "You can shush him but you can't eat him. How many times have I told you that just because something looks like food doesn't make it automatically food?"

"If he doesn't stop praying for that dead Asari, I'll change that rule and make him into food."

"Not for her, for me," the assassin said.

Grunt scratched his head.

"I was praying for my own soul," the Drell said.

"Huh...?" Grunt asked.

"The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone," the Drell said and turned to Shepard. "Take you, for instance, all this destruction... chaos."

"I like destruction," Grunt said. "But planned destruction is better than chaotic destruction. Planned destruction is like a work of art."

"I was talking about her, not you," the Drell said.

"She likes it too," Grunt said.

"It's not the destruction that is the main idea," the Drell was patient. He did not even shake his head. "It's the measure of an individual and the difficulty to discern by actions that is."

"Your action tells me that you can't discern what I am saying," Grunt frowned. "And I measure that you might not be as tasty as the melon yesterday but I won't be difficult. Shepard said I shouldn't be choosy with food."

Garrus chuckled quietly but Shepard shushed him anyway.

"I was curious to see how far you'd go to find me," the Drell ignored the young Krogan. "Well, here I am."

"You knew we were coming?" Garrus asked.

"I didn't. Not until you matched in the front door and started shooting."

"That was fun!" Grunt punched his hand. "We don't do that often enough."

"Grunt," Shepard warned.

"Fine," Grunt said.

"Nassana had become paranoid. You saw the strength of her guard force. She believed one of her sisters would kill her. You were a valuable distraction."

"You're calling me a distraction?" Shepard said.

"Yes," the Drell answered.

"She can be quite the distraction at times," Garrus said, absently thoughtful.

"Why, Garrus," Shepard smiled. "I've no idea! I'll take that as a compliment. Is that why you are always watching my six?"

Garrus' eyes suddenly ducted from the Drell to his Commander. His brow plates moved. He frowned.

"No.... I like watching your six.... But not like that!"

The Drell let out a small breath of laughter.

"I think your face is a distraction," Grunt said to the assassin. "It keeps reminding me of the melon."

The Drell let loose a deep sigh and finally shook his head.

"Grunt," Shepard said. "What's with you and your interruption today? You said we human talk too much but you're talking a lot today."

"You said you didn't like being shushed," Grunt shrugged. "So I am shushing him back for you. I succeeded, didn't I? Heh...Heh...Heh...Heh."

Shepard, too, shook her head and gestured the Drell to speak a little farther from her two teammates.

"You're a good boy, Grunt," Garrus laughed after they were gone.

"I know I am," Grunt laughed back and then he stopped abruptly and looked fixedly at Garrus."Watching Shepard's six, huh? Next on my menu is you, Turian." 

\------------------------------------------------

"Attacking the Collectors will require passing through the Omega 4 relay," Thane was saying after Shepard had told him what she was here for.

"No ship has ever returned from doing so."

Shepard had to agreed with Grunt. This Drell was indeed yummy, she thought as she watched him speak with the professionalism of a businessman. She was trying very subtly not to let anyone notice she was looking the assassin up and down while he wasn't directly looking at her. 

And those lips.... Those lips looked so kissable, Shepard thought. They were so very plump and soft and... fish like.... Yes. Definitely fish like... Grunt was right. This guy looked like a fish. A green fish with legs. Those lips were fish lips, alright. An image of Thane Krios swimming naked in her fish tank, his mouth producing bubbles which made those "blop... blop..." sound suddenly flashed in front of her mind. 

"My ship will be the first one to do it then," Shepard said, mentally whacking her head to pull herself out of her slight trace.

"You do build a career on performing the impossible," Thane said quietly. "This was to be my last job. I'm dying."

"Oh...," Shepard said. That was a bummer. Dying is not a good thing when she was thinking about making out with him.

"Is there anything I can do?" She asked. "I've a hornless... I mean genius geneticist onboard."

"It's a disease that forbids the lungs from taking in oxygen," the Drell said. "It will eventually spread to other organs. There is no cure. It is noncommunicable, do not be alarmed."

Shepard nodded with compassion, but was thinking if Thane Krios would hyperventilate suddenly while in the middle of a kiss. Not enough oxygen in the lungs, he had said. Would she have to give him CPR suddenly in the middle of kissing him? That would be like a total reversal of a kiss with the whole mouth contact thing. A total turn off. Shepard felt a little ashamed of herself. There he was telling her he was dying and here she was, thinking about the possibility of smooching this guy and suffocating him. Seriously though, would kissing kill him?

As if reading her mind, Thane continued, "Low survival odds don't concern me," he said. "The abduction of your colonists does. I will work for you, Shepard. No charge."

Oh, great! Suffocating or not, finally a hottie on the ship. Thane would definitely put that Jacob Taylor into some extra overload of "Gees, should I work more on those abs" competitiveness so he did not think he was God sent to all human females. Thane Krios was a must-have, if not for his skills, his ability to put the human Cerberus agent's abs to shame. Maybe now, Jacob would be too busy worrying about his own attractiveness and stop implying every word Shepard said to him was her intention to throw herself at him and slut all over him.

"Welcome aboard," Shepard grinned and shook the Drell's hand excitedly. 

\------------------------------------------------

Not all Shepard's dreams were about dying or destruction. Sometimes, like now, it was more about just being in that odd part of the Twilight Zone when it came to dreaming.

The three of them was running to the fish stranded on land.

"I'm dying!" The fish screamed. "I can't breathe!"

"We're coming!" The one in front of her called out in Garrus' voice, flapping and wobbling as he dashed toward the fish. Shepard noticed he was naked. Was that a crown on his head? "Where's the tank?" The thing who was Garrus asked.

"Garrus," Shepard said, still running behind him toward the fish. "You're naked...."

"Of course I'm naked!" Garrus shouted back. "Jacob stole our armor, remember? You pissed him off!"

"But... but... but," Shepard said. "But you're a featherless....chicken."

"Of course I'm a chicken! What else can I be! And now I'm featherless all thanks to you! I already told you not to deflate Jacob! He just inflated himself back with the water from life support!" Garrus took a breath before continuing. "He stole all my feathers while I was in the shower! I was going to preen them! That no good son of a bitch! Now look what he did to Thane! You know Thane was holding up in Life Support! He needs the water!" Garrus wobbled up to the fish. "Who's got the tank?"

"I do," Grunt said from behind her. She turned around hoping not to see an oversized toad and was glad Grunt was still very much Grunt. "I ate it."

"What?" Shepard and Garrus shouted.

"I was hungry," Grunt said.

"What are we going to do?" Shepard said. "Thane needs the tank!"

"I'm dying!" Thane said, frantically thrashing about on the floor. "I can't breathe!"

Suddenly, Thane's hyoid bone appeared out of no where and he blew his throat and cheeks up. He looked from one to another, trying to speak but only getting out muffled sounds.

"Mmm...hmm....," Thane struggled to say something.

"He has not enough time left!" Garrus said worriedly.

"Stick him in my mouth," Grunt said. "It will do till we take him to Shepard's tank upstairs."

"Don't eat him!" Garrus warned the Krogan.

"Of course!" Grunt said, offended. 

"Grunt won't eat Thane," Shepard was confident when she said that. "It's not even Christmas yet."

Garrus looked questioningly at her with his head cocked to one side for a bit before helping her lift Thane's slimy form off the floor. He did not ask why. Grunt spread his legs for better stability and opened his mouth wide.

"Thane's a Christmas fish," Shepard explained as they shoved him into Grunt's mouth. "Grunt can't eat him till its Christmas!"

"Ok...," the chicken that was Garrus pecked at Grunt's back and ordered. "Take him upstairs now. Shepard and I will get Jacob. He couldn't have gone far. He's bloated and swollen from a ton of water retention...."

"Let's get that truck," Garrus pointed at the Mako next to the kitchen with one of his featherless chicken wing. "And I'm driving!"

\------------------------------------------------

Shepard felt someone walk passed and put something near her. One of her eyes unbolted itself wide open and she found herself looking at the Garrus' Thanix Cannon.

"Did I fall asleep on your cot again?" Shepard asked.

"That you did," Garrus said without looking up from his work. "Made you something. It's still hot."

Shepard saw the still steaming cup by the crate next to the cot. 

"If it's coffee," she made a twitch of her nose, disgusted. "I'm not drinking it. Coffee on this ship taste like mud."

"Relax, Shepard," Garrus said, still not looking up. "It's Earl Grey. With milk and enough sugar to preserve you for a second resurrection. Just the way you always made it before you complain about the sugar after drinking it."

Shepard made another twitch of disgust but took the tea and sipped it slowly.

"I had a strange dream," she said as she sipped the tea. "Thane was a fish out of water. And you, me and Grunt was trying to rescue him. We had to put him into Grunt's mouth to take him up to my quarters to put him in the tank because Grunt ate the tank we had with us. And you were running around naked."

"Didn't Grunt call Krios a fish?" Garrus chuckled but was still calibrating. "Never thought you have a thing for me in the buff though."

"He was a fish," Shepard said. "You were a chicken, a featherless, naked chicken."

"What's that?" 

"You," Shepard said. "A chicken. It's the most popular food on Earth. And everything taste like chicken, by the way."

"Fish too?" Garrus asked.

"No, fish taste like fish."

"So which taste better? Fish or chicken?"

"Chicken, since everything taste like it."

"How could everything taste like chicken? And like you would know if I taste like chicken," Garrus laughed.

"Is that an invitation to taste you, Garrus?"

"Not if I'm already a chicken. Didn't you taste me in your dream? And if everything taste like it, you would already know how I taste."

"Are you coming on to me?" Shepard smiled.

"Did Thane come on to you?" Garrus asked.

"Not yet," Shepard shook her head.

"Then I will wait till he has before I will," Garrus continued his work.

"Why's that?"

"If I do it first, it would be that awesome, he won't stand a chance," he punched in more numbers.

"He looks like a sex god, you know?" Shepard said. "He wears leather panty hose."

Garrus nodded. He was now almost in full concentration doing his calibration. Shepard watched him and decided he was gone far enough not to have heard her anymore. She got up from his bed and with her tea in her hands, walked out the door to head for her quarters.

"Apparently I taste much better," Garrus said behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Eligible Humanoid: Jacob Taylor and Kelly Chambers

 

Not finding Mordin in the lab was something Shepard did not expect. The Salarian was glued to the lab and rarely left it except maybe to have a meal or two in the mass hall. He had a fixed routine which he kept straightly and right now was his "time in the lab" routine. Yet, the lab was empty when Shepard walked in. 

Shepard stood by the Research Terminal and wondered where she should go next. She did not want to go to the CIC because she did not want those expressive eyes of Kelly Chambers watching her every move. Not right now. She was not in the mood to hear the woman speak at the moment. Shepard had walked out of the elevator just now to see Kelly opening her mouth to speak and she had shushed her immediately. Most people who got the Shepard Shush would immediately shut up, at least for a minute or so, but not Kelly Chambers. She just went on talking as if she had not heard Shepard hushing her. Right on with her little "professional" take about Shepard's feelings after meeting Kaidan Alenko again on Horizon. Along with those one liners about her team. Shepard did not have the patience for Kelly Chambers.

Shepard wondered if Chambers just based her stuffs about each person she brought back simply by reading the psy reports sent her because it was impossible to do an evaluation of a person in such short a time that the Yeoman took. Shepard would be back on the ship with a new addition, jumped into the elevator, head herself up to the CIC and bam! Kelly Chambers would have something to say about the newest addition! Shepard sworn that woman had some unspeakable talent to allow her to be able to psychologically evaluate her team's mind without speaking to them or she was The Illusive Man's ultimate spy... or she was an ultimate floozy. Ultimate psychological genius or the ultimate spy or an ultimate floozy, Shepard did not want to know. She just did not want to be near her Yeoman right now unless she absolutely had to.

Next on the list after Mordin would be to visit Joker. But that would mean walking past the CIC to the cockpit. Not happening. Going down to the Crew Deck? That would go past Kelly Chambers too. Not happening. Why was she positioned at such a central location?

There was not much places left that Shepard could go. She could hide here till Mordin came back into the lab but then she might not be able to stop herself from going through his experiments. Called it natural curiosity. But whatever Mordin was always doing, they looked very tempting to her to want to touch and play with. Very colorful....And swirly.... Staying in this room would most likely cause an episode in which Mordin came back to find that blue stuff in that flask over there had turned green. He might end up hunting her down all over the ship, only to find her hiding in the Main Battery. And then, Mordin might just kill her, along with innocent Garrus for being the eye witness, with some anal probe that he doubled as an assassination weapon.

The only place left for Shepard to go then without needing to walk passed the Yeoman, was the armory. Jacob Taylor. The most boring person on the ship, taking the top spot even though Garrus was a close second with his "in the middle of some calibration" line. At least Garrus never took every line she said as a proposition. And she had been using quite a number of lines which very well could be! Jacob, on the other hand, took even her "I just want to find out more about you" line as one!

Jacob or Kelly? "I'm not big on forcing these talk" or "I always have time for you, Commander"? Shepard checked the time. Thirty more minutes before Kelly Chambers went for her lunch break. Hell, Shepard would just have to go see Jacob for a bit and let his discriminatory accusation reduce her into feeling like a cheap hooker for thirty minutes and then she would be free to fool around with the map and not have those Chambers eyes staring at her while she was at it. She was Commander Shepard and she could handle a couple of judgmental words now and then. Jacob Taylor it was. Shepard left the lab through the door that led to the Communication Room, almost did a double take to not fall over the crotched form of Mordin in his lab coat or came face to butt with the Salarian scientist.

Mordin was squatted with his back to Shepard by the side of the door of the Communication Room, holding a device. Little sizzling sound was coming from the ground where he had angled it. Shepard twisted herself a little to the right to see what the scientist was doing.

"Outside Communication Room? Unexpected. On the floor. Waste of resources. Brilliant though. Never would have thought them be on the floor," he said to no one in particular.

"Mordin," Shepard strained her neck a little more to see the Salarian' face. "What are you doing?"

"Checking for surveillance devices. Invented scanner while waiting for lab results from Kaidan Alenko's biology scans. Handy contraption. Not Alenko. Although ability to break free of seeker swamp paralysis intriguing. Alenko not likely to be handy if made into contraption. Speaking of scanner. Able to scan anything. Anyone. Going to scan Agent Jacob Taylor for surveillance gadgets later. First, scan here. Interesting find."

"You look like you're trying to... no, you look like you ARE frying ants with a magnifying glass."

"Do not get reference. Scanner does not work like magnifying glass. No sunlight inside ship. No Earth insects either. Heat emission of scanner not oil caused. Scanner burns devices when in contact. Disable the black nano transmission fiber optics inside. Immediate disabled. No worries of it reenabling after. Yes. Found out devices reenable themselves even if stomped on. Nano technology. Well made. Scanner can locate and destroy," There was a sharp intake of breath. "Scanning organics may bring slight discomfort. Sizzle devices when in contact. Might cause tiny burns if nano technology used to enable device in organics. Set mode to burn only cheaper and shorter ranged devices. More expansive range will be extracted and returned to First Officer Lawson. Save time to scout for devices and disable. No need to stomp on them. Roasting them more efficient. Less physical strength. Needed."

"You intend to use that scanner to probe Jacob?" Shepard asked, trying hard not to giggle like an idiot hearing about Mordin's newest invention and his plans on using it.

"Yes and No. Scan, not probe," Mordin corrected her. "Scanner too big to use as probe. Tearing would be uncomfortable. Walking around bow legged for days while on mission, inadvisable. Problem?"

"So, let me get this straight," Shepard said. "You scan Jacob. If the scanner find an expensive device, you cut Jacob open? If it finds a cheaper variety, it burns it right off his ass?"

"Again, yes and no," Mordin corrected again. "Yes, scanner burns and disables. Immediate disability. Slight discomfort, not life threatening. May surface tiny burnt marks if near skin. Depending on how deeply imbedded device is. Electric shock. Nothing serious," Mordin inhaled sharply again. "Yes, if found more expensive devices, will open to extract. Ask permission first. Only right. No. Scan may not reveal devices in gluteus maximus. May be in other areas. Problem?"

"Nope," Shepard shook her head. "Don't let me stop you. Go probe Jacob."

"Scan, not probe," Mordin corrected her a third time.

Shepard was about to back away and entertain herself watching the Salarian did his scanning when suddenly, she decided to use the scanner to settle her little problem.

"Wait!" Shepard said. "Do Kelly too. She might have one in the cavity of her mouth."

"Yes. Possibly. Could consider. After scanning Jacob. Will scan Yeoman Kelly Chambers."

"I'll inform her to come see you later," Shepard said, helpfully.

"Not necessary. Lab's proximity to Yeoman close. Just walk out and take scan. Will only be a few minutes," Mordin started to stand up from his squatting.

"No!" Shepard hurriedly pushed the scientist back to his squatting position, causing him to almost lose balance. "I mean both Jacob and Kelly will be having lunch with me. So you should scan them after lunch. So it's more advisable that I send them to you. So, you should stay here and continue to fry those nano transmission thingies."

"Very well," Mordin said. "Might break for meal too. Scanner...."

"No!" Shepard stopped him again. She couldn't let him have a chance to speak to either of them until she did what she had to. "I... I mean Doctor Chakwas said she would like to have lunch with you to talk... You know... medical stuffs. She already said she would see you in.... an hour.... Yes. An hour in the mess hall. That's like a date.... I mean a business date."

"Could have commed me," Mordin said, his left eye closed a little more than his right as he watched her from his squatted position. "Doctor Chakwas always commed before visits."

"That's why I'm here," Shepard smiled and saluted. "I'm Messenger Shepard on the Normandy. No hiccups. Does her job 100% of the time and won't break anything."

"Very well," Mordin gave her a sideway glance but did not say anything more. 

Shepard doubled her footsteps into the Armory to inform Jacob he would be having lunch with her in her quarters, then took to her heels to inform Kelly the same thing before jamming her fingers repeatedly at the elevator down button. She needed to get to the Sick Bay and then the Main Battery, now.

\------------------------------------------------

"Garrus, do you still have those surveillance devices you retrieved from this room?" Shepard asked Garrus the moment she stepped into the room

"Can it wait a bit...."

"No!"

"Ok! Ok!"

Garrus went to his table by the side and came back with five of what looked like little capsules a quarter the size of her nails.

"Open them up and give me the transitor fiber thingy whatever.... The black stringy thingy...."

"This one?" Garrus fiddled with one of the small devices and showed Shepard the transmission fiber. 

"Yeah! That one," Shepard was amazed that Garrus' talons could so delicately extract such a tiny item.

"Everyone of them?" Garrus asked.

"Yap," Shepard smiled.

"Why do you need them, Shepard?" Garrus asked again.

"I've plans."

"Ok," Garrus leaned back against his console. "now I'm curious."

"Go back to your calibration, Garrus," Shepard waved him to continue work on the devices.

"What are you doing with them, Shepard?"

"I'm feeding them to Jacob and Kelly."

"Feeding... them?" Garrus blinked his Turian blink.

"Then I'm sending them to Mordin to be scanned and zapped! Instant tummy uclers plus cure in one zap!" Shepard clapped her hands together.

"That sounds suspiciously evil, Shepard," Garrus said.

"Yes!" Garrus could see Shepard was actually excited. "I am the Vanguard of their destruction! And you're my accomplice! You are helping me carry our lunches up to my quarters, and we'll have lunch together! We'll make sure they eat these!"

"I don't have to do this, do I?" Garrus blinked again and pointed to his console. "These calibrations won't do themselves."

"If you don't do it," Shepard threatened. "I swear I'll find that bright pink and white Phoenix Armor you had to wear two years ago and make you wear it all over again! I still remember the Sirta Foundation owes me some favors."

"That is blackmail," Garrus poked her with his talon.

"Well?" Shepard poked back.

"Fine," Garrus said. "I've to eat anyway. For the record, reminding me of that awful armor and making me wear that two years ago, I hate you."

"No. You love me. You just don't know it yet," Shepard said looking at the fibers Garrus extracted. "These don't look enough.... I'll go ask Jack. She might have some too. Go get our lunches up. I"ll take theirs up so there's no mix up with mine!"


	5. Chapter 5

Garrus Vakarian was stressed. He was feeling a lot of pressure lately on his plates. First, he had to find a way to tell Shepard about Lantar Sedonis and hoped she would not stop him from doing what he felt was right. Next, he had to hope against hope that their mission would give them the time to hunt that traitor down before he skipped town again. Then, he did not know why he had been having inappropriate feelings for his friend, his commanding officer, who was now sitting besides him and for how long it had been since those inappropriate feelings had started. After they met again in Omega? Before her death? Was his grief for her a product of his attraction way back then? He did not know anymore. On top of all that, due to his new awareness, he was now also clearly aware of feeling a strange sense of biting jealousy over the amount of attention so many had been giving his Commander, including those given by the two people they were having lunch with at the moment. But the most stressful thing he was feeling right now was that this whole lunch plot Shepard had come up with might just explode in front of them, from the plates of the two sitting near him, right into his stomach. And when he said explode, he did not think that was too far away from the truth.

"These doesn't look levo at all," Kelly Chambers was saying. "They look more like dexo garnishing. Don't you think so, Garrus?"

"Of course they are," Shepard answered for him. "Gardner would not be so confused that he put dexo herbs into levo food. Right, Vakarian?"

Garrus looked from Kelly Chambers to Shepard, then to Jacob, who was eating his lunch without so much as a hum.

"That one is eating it," Grunt said, drawing their attention away to Jacob.

And here was another good reason why Garrus was stressed out at the moment. Shepard's loft was crowded. What was supposed to be lunch between four people suddenly came with too many crashing the party, playing the accomplices. These were the other contributors to Shepard's little scheme. Some fine accomplices they were too, considering Kelly Chambers seemed to really think the "garnishes" were dexo, yet none of the party crashers were dexo based but him! He wished Tali was here now.

"Remind me why I am doing this again?" Garrus whispered to Shepard.

"Just think awful looking pink armor," Shepard said quietly back.

"What armor, mate?" Zaeed asked. This man had better ears than an animal. Garrus reminded himself to sit on Zaeed's right instead of his left next time. Maybe his damaged side comes with impaired hearing... Unless it came with cybernetics like Garrus' own injured side.... In that case, well then, there would be no whispering around that man.

"I thought I heard something about pink armor?" Zaeed continued.

"Which of you two actually wore pink armor?" Jack asked. "It's like taking a fucking metal teddy bear to a gun fight."

"I'd wear pink armor," Grunt said. "Nothing wrong with pink."

"You would, wouldn't you?" Zaeed laughed.

"Hmmm... Hmmm...," Jacob said with a mouthful of food. At least one of Shepard's intended victim was falling for her devious plan.

"Just eat the fucking thing," Jack pointed at Kelly Chambers. 

Kelly looked from Garrus to Jack. 

"I don't eat food I don't know, Jack," she smiled.

"Hell!" Jack threw her hands in the air. "This woman'll fuck a dead pyjack but not eat some garnishes she had not seen before!"

"Hmmm.... Hmmm...," Jacob said.

"Enjoying the food, mate?" Zaeed smiled.

"Hmmm.... Hmmm...," Jacob answered. 

Zaeed smiled widened.

"I'm not as adventurous as you, Jack," the Yeoman said. "And I don't sleep with dead pyjacks."

"Are you shitting on me, you fucked up shrink?" Jack poked her finger in the air harder. "Are you shitting on me?"

"No," Kelly shook her head vigorously. "No. I don't mean that. I'm just ...."

"What just happened?" Grunt looked up from his food.

"You Cerberus dogs are all the same fucking shit," Jack was now almost shouting.

"Relax, Jack," Garrus said. "Kelly's just apprehensive about the food."

Kelly nodded vigorously.

"Hmmm.... Hmmm...," Jacob nodded too.

"Nah," Zaeed said quietly. "Think Kelly doesn't like Jack."

Kelly shook her head vigorously again.

"I knew it!" Jack stood up. Jacob looked up at her, shocked. His mouth opened. He was in the middle if chewing something that could pose as pork chop. It was left half hanging out of his mouth.

"I fucking knew it the moment I came on board that you and the Cheerleader want my ass in the grinder! I"ll fucking fry you with my brain!"

"Woh, woh," Shepard stood up and put her hands on the biotic. "No one's gonna hurt you on the Normandy. Cool it, woman."

"I"ll fucking fry her!" 

The Yeoman was visibly beyond distress. Tears were forming in her eyes, making those expressive, non aligned eyes of hers more expressive than usual. 

"Poor girl," Zaeed cooed. "Just eat your food, babe. Jack'll be happy seeing you eat it, trust me." He winked.

Low and behold, Kelly Chambers immediately chommed down on her food, nano transmitter , fiber optics and all. 

Zaeed smiled and gave her a thumb's up. Shepard watched, a little amazed and assured that her assessment of her Yeoman for not being as perceptive as she had claimed, was correct. Garrus let out a very long breath, relieved. Jack relaxed her shoulders and half closed her huge eyes. Grunt watched the whole exchange with the need for blood in his.

"Heh.... Heh.... Heh...," he chuckled.

"Hmmm.... Hmmm...," Jacob said to Kelly, also nodding while stuffing another piece of chop into his mouth.

"Maybe now I'll fry you later," Jack gave a lopsided smile and sat back down.

The Yeoman continued stuffing her face with her lunch like Jacob, who was sitting next to her. Shepard watched the two thinking how very alike their actions were. With that uniform, the two could seriously passed as Cerberus brainwashed crew. Kaiden Alenko had no idea what brainwashed Cerberus looked like. Maybe she should film this down and send a copy to him to troll him so he could fall deeper into that hell for oblivious idiots that he, himself made?

"See, honey," Zaeed said. "No one"ll hurt you now. Just be a good girl and finish that plate of yours. I promise."

"I finished mine," Grunt said. "I'm still hungry."

"You're always hungry," Zaeed said without looking from Kelly. He was really working on his charm, and he had a good one.

"Hmmm.... Hmmm...," Jacob said.

"It's rude talking with your mouth full, Human," Grunt said.

"Who fucking taught a Krogan to have fucking class?" Jack asked. She too was still watching Kelly Chambers.

"Shepard did," Grunt said proudly.

After a minute of idle chat, everyone in the room except Jacob, turned and settled their attention back on Kelly Chambers. As Kelly Chambers got more nervous. Everyone paid more attention. Shepard narrowed her eyes and watched Kelly like a hawk. Grunt leaned forward in his seat and grinned.

"I'm still hungry," he said. "If you don't finish your food, I'll eat you."

"That's more like it!" Jack cheered. "That's a fucking Krogan!" She patted Grunt on his back.

"I am pure Krogan," Grunt turned to Jack without leaning back. "You should be in awe."

"Awe this ass," Jack stood, faced her buttocks at him and slapped it twice before sitting back down again.

"You are okay," Grunt laughed. "You are okay for a crazy psychotic bitch."

The two patted each other on the shoulders and laughed. Then suddenly, stopped laughing and turned back to Kelly Chambers.

"Why have you stopped eating?" Jack asked.

"Eat!" Grunt threatened.

"I wouldn't stop if I were you, honey," Zaeed cheered.

Immediately, the Yeoman resumed her eating.

Throughout the exchange, Shepard was the most quiet one while Garrus just watched from the sideline. He was definitely relieved that he did not need to end up being forced to eat the fiber optics. Having Mordin chased him around the ship with any of his scanning devices would not be the way he want to spend this entire trip. So he was glad that the three most irrational members of Shepard's team could actually work so well together. Maybe three irrational, psychological unstable people make one stable team, covering up for each other's psychosis? If anything, Shepard and him might be as bad as anyone of them and they too made a great team. Yes, that they did.

"Go tell Mordin they are almost ready," Shepard whispered to Garrus while Jack and Grunt was getting all of Kelly Chambers' attention as she had theirs.

"Can this wait a bit?" Garrus said. "I'm in the middle of lunch."

"Go now," that was basically an order. "I promise I'll make it up to you with a great dexo dinner when we get to Illum."

"Very well, Shepard. You owe me one."

"This has been fun, guys," he stood up and said to the group. "But I need to finish the calibration in the battery."

"Laters," Zaeed winked.

"Go do what you do, Turian," Grunt said.

"Hmmm... Hmmm," Jacob and Kelly both said.

"Leaving your girlfriend so soon?" Jack asked.

"What?" Shepard, Garrus, Jacob and Kelly all said at the same time. Although Jacob and Kelly's "what" came up sounding more like "fuhat".

"Don't talk with your mouths full!" Grunt scolded the two.

"You call yourself a psychologist?" Jack said to Kelly. "Where the fuck did you get that certified? In an Azure room with fully paid extranet pornsite?"

"Now that you said it," Zaeed rubbed his chin. "They do look like a good pair. Fucking odd. But good pair."

"What?" This time, only Garrus asked. "No...."

"Chill, Vakarian," Shepard said. "I'll handle this. Don't you have work to do?"

"Yes, Commander," Garrus nodded and headed up the steps to the door as if he was on fire.

"Fuck!" Jack laughed. "You two already fucking?"

Jacob choked on his food and started coughing. 

"Easy, mate," Zaeed stood up and patted him on his back.

"Useless pyjack," Grunt scolded.

"No one is fucking anyone," Shepard corrected Jack. 

"Someone is getting something," Jack said.

"With Grunt having been through puberty, he would be getting some soon," Kelly smiled playfully.

"Sick," Jack said, meaning Kelly.

"Wait," Zaeed's one good eye widened. "These things go through puberty?"

Grunt snarled, "You all are idiots."

"Ok," Shepard stood up. "Lunch is over, guys. Out you go. Take your own plates down. And you two, go see Mordin. He said he wanted to do some scans on you."

\------------------------------------------------

When Kelly and Jacob went down to the lab looking for Mordin, he was no where to be found.

"He was always here," Kelly said.

"You don't think," Jacob blinked. "That the someone getting sex is him, do you?"

"Jacob," Kelly Chambers said peppily. "I like you. But you aren't the brightest bulb sometimes. You don't know much about other species, do you?"

\------------------------------------------------

 

"Mordin," Garrus said in a more than urgent manner. "You're not supposed to be down here! Kelly and Jacob would be in the lab shortly to look for you."

"Ah yes," Mordin said causally as they both stepped out of the elevator onto the crew deck. "Can wait. Main battery?"

Mordin started walking toward the mess hall at a speed doubled the time of an average Salarian walk. And Salarians generally walked faster than the rest of the universe. Garrus had no choice but tried and kept up with the scientist. 

"Why are you following me back to the battery?" He asked. "You're needed back at the lab."

"Follow?" Mordin said as he sped walked passed the kitchen. "Not following. Walking in front."

"Seriously, Mordin?"

"Made a joke," Mordin said, smiling. "Thought was funny. Not funny?"

They entered the main battery.

"Ha ha ha," Garrus faked. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've some calibration to complete."

"Yes," Mordin said causally again as he looked around the room. "Calibration. Very impressive. Saw result on Horizon. Skill put Alenko's to shame. Very agitated when brought it up. Many buttons on console. Red one here. Function?"

"Please don't touch any of my buttons!" Garrus warned.

"Touch, no! Wouldn't dream of it. May accidentally aim cannon at a Hanar ship. Would be unpleasant for Hanars on ship. Hard to explain to Shepard if happened."

"Was that a joke again?" Garrus asked.

"Yes. Very funny," Mordin smiled again, turning his whole body instead of just his head to look around the room.

"What in Spirits' world are you doing here, Mordin?"

"Need to talk."

"Obviously," Garrus sighed.

"Understand have feelings for Shepard. Need advice?"

"What?" Garrus gapped at Mordin. "I thought Salarians lay eggs? Don't you guys register for rights to fertilized the eggs of the same females or something?"

"Yes," Mordin answered. "Salarians. Amphibian haplo-diploid egg layers. Clan Dalatrass lay eggs yearly. One dozen. Busy job. Laying eggs. Not much time for recreation. Ten percent fertilized only. Hatched females. All rest, males," pointing to himself, Mordin took a breath. "Personally hatched from unfertilized egg many years ago. Unable to remember process. But can vouch of efficiency and painlessness of procedure. Unlike other races. Live births. Messy. All Salarians kept shell from hatched egg as memento of birth...."

"Please don't offer to show me the pieces of your hatched shell," Garrus took a step back.

"Unable. Egg in safe deposit on Sur'Kesh. Delicate item of great importance. Not in pieces. Rare but not unheard of. Had adhesively sealed pieces back to form whole egg. Took on project. Was little passed two years of age. Extremely rewarding. Be happy to show if visiting Sur'Kesh."

"Spirits, Mordin. I just asked you not to offer to show it to me! And what does your egg have to do with you liking Shepard?"

"Not me," Mordin said. "Sex drive defer from Turian. Not hormone-based. Does not desire sex for pleasure. Not interested in Asaris either. Strange. Most Salarians find Asaris attractive. Asaris, an interesting specie. Would like to test in color determination someday. If possible, genetically engineer first red or orange Asaris. Challenging. Must succeed without unethical use of live test subjects. Hmmm.... But attraction, no. Speaking of you."

"I don't find Asari sexually attractive," Garrus said.

"Speaking of your emotionally attachment to Shepard," Mordin corrected.

"I...," Garrus stepped back more. "No.... We're good friends. Been good friends for a while. Not the way you think."

"Not sexually attracted?" Mordin trapped Garrus between himself and the console, cutting Garrus from escaping out of the main battery's door with one shift movement. "No inappropriate fantasies? nocturnal emissions?"

"Nocturnal what?" 

"Nocturnal emissions," Mordin said. "Spontaneous orgasm. Erection, emerging of penis from shaft involuntarily or ejaculation during sleep. Most common during puberty but may continue beyond. Understand male Turian physiology. Nocturnal emissions natural when attracted to females. Masturbation only form to lessening frequency. Been self stimulating lately?"

"Mordin! Will it kill you to learn not to ask such personal questions?" Garrus shouted at the scientist.

"Ah!" Mordin shouted back, making Garrus jumped instead. "Reaction suggest frequency has increased! Excellent! Not personal. Nothing personal. Turian attraction in such manner rare. Attracted but not act on it. Very nobel. Must be deeply attracted. Excellent! Will assist absolutely!"

"I don't need help in masturbating!" Garrus instinctively covered his most vulnerable part with his talons. "Spirits, Mordin! Just leave me be!"

"Ridiculous," Mordin said. "Not suggesting assistance in masturbation. Not needed. Unless having problems with process? Will assist in such case. Will forward materials to help. Not interested on Asari, he said? Shepard clearly not Asari. Human sexuality vids? Turian-Human relationships rare. Materials spare. Sexual intercourse vids a challenge to find. Might have to search through data base...."

"Spirits! I don't need help!"

"Absurd. Dexo based Turian and Levo based Human. May go into epileptic shock. May also need analgesic before intercourse. Chafing from Turian plates, unpleasant for humans. Positions very important. Glad to be of service," Mordin breathed. "Suggest propositioning soon. Many competitors. Shepard suitable breeding candidate for you if overlooked all incompatibility. Prime sexual partner for any Turian. Krogans too, if speaking of her battle skill. Many humans, males and females, have expressed interests. Drell on broad showing extreme admiration as well. But hallucinations may hamper away missions. Rather you than him. Chafing and epileptic shock easier to countermeasure. Hallucinations, harder. Will send ointments and medication later. Forward music, for mood enhancement. Suggest bring wine. Alcohol increase human reproductive possibility by eighty percent. Attraction factor also increases proportionately to consumption. Will see you as more attractive if have not yet. Also, suggest sway with music. Hips movements apparently sexually attractive to humans. Been propositioned once by a human. Much younger then. Was dancing in club. Yes. Enjoyed dancing when younger. Very relaxing. Human said my swaying hips were very entrancing."

Mordin patted Garrus on his shoulder before turning and opening the door. 

"Now to go tell Shepard, sorry to disappoint. Transmission optic fibers could not be detected when in human stomach. Digestive juice would render fibers inoperable anyway. Should have asked before going ahead with plot. Mischievous. Like a child. Fit you well. Drell too mature in continence for her. Dying also not the best time or option for electing to emotionally attached someone to self. Best candidate for Shepard still you. Loyal and steadfast. Little awkward, but no harm in that. Good luck, Vakarian," he was gone. 

Garrus took a long time before he started breathing again. Now, he had a brand new problem in the form of a very busybody Mordin Solus to stress over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been out of the country. This and next chapter will be a little late.


	6. Chapter 6

It took Mordin five minutes to get from the crew deck up to the captain's quarters but within that time, he had computed six different program on his scanner to enhance the efficiency of the device. He was very proud of his accomplishment when he went out of the elevator and opened Shepard quarter's door. 

"Shepard," he said without looking up from his scanner. "Need to talk..."

And walked right into Thane Krios who had to brace himself from the scientist by spreading his hands out to stop Mordin from ramming his horn into him. 

"Ah," Mordin said, though not apologetically. "Did not see you there. Dropped from vent? Stealth mode? Shepard knows you in her room?"

Mordin looked up and about all over the ceiling for Thane's entry point.

"Yes, Mordin," Shepard said, walking up the steps. "Thane came up for a chat. We're done anyway. He was on his way down when you came in. Looking for me?"

"Siha...," Thane said.

"Siha!" Mordin interjected. "Warrior angel. Drell mythology. The goddess Arashu? Fierce in wrath. Read that from extranet. Predatory apparently. Not unlike human mythological goddesses."

"Well, so much for you trying to play the mystery card on that one, Thane," Shepard smiled. "Now I totally know what it means, thanks to Mordin."

"Artemis," Mordin continued as if he did not hear her. "The Greek goddess of hunt, nature and birth. Most popular deity in Human Greek goddess list. Referring to Shepard? Or was wrong? Not referencing? Did I step on toe? Not "Siha" but "Yeeeeee....ahhhhh!"? As in outcry of pain when stepped on? Understand Drell's feet bones are soft. Apologies if stepped on it. Forgot strength sometimes. Walk too fast. Will take a look at it now. Please take off shoes."

"I'm fine, doctor," Thane said.

"Ridiculous! Would jeopardize mission if stumped toe gets infected. Limping while firing gun may accidentally hit other team members. Half of all friendly fire happened directly related to imbalanced limbs. Please take off shoe. If need be, apply medicine. Have ointment specially for webbed feet. Brought many different ointments on board." 

"You have webbed feet, Thane?" Shepard asked, astonished.

"Drell. Webbed feet and hands. Wear gloves to protect from exposure. A contradictory evolutional marvel. Survive best in arid environment yet have moist hands and feet."

"You have wet, webbed feet and hands?" Shepard asked. That was a bit of a tongue twister.

"Moist, not wet," Mordin corrected. "Adhesive. Moist. Webbed."

"Yes," Thane said. "I should return to my quarters. You did not stump on my toes, Doctor Solus. I shall now leave you two."

Thane bowed and walked out of the room. Mordin fully turned his body, not just his head, to watch the Drell leave and the door shut behind him before doing a full body turn back to face the Commander.

"His hands and feet are sticky, wet and webbed?" Shepard asked Mordin.

"Yes. Marvel. Secrete sap like substance from pores to keep hands and feet damply adhesive. Allow for better grip. Extremely effective when engaging in stealth missions and climbing ladders. Many Drells are excellent plumbers and elevator repair engineers, if not assassins."

"Thanks a lot, Mordin," Shepard said. "You just ruined all the romantic fantasies about how totally sexy and smooth Thane was."

"Krios. Definitely smooth. Skin like human baby. Attracted to him? Suggest no licking. May cause hallucination. Would be terrible. Commander Shepard hallucinating. Using CIC as a latrine."

"Mordin, are you trying to be funny? It's not making me laugh if you are."

"Yes," Mordin said. "Making jokes. Way to destress team mates on board. So far, not successful. Justica Samara aloof when heard joke. Pushed out of med bay by Doctor Chakwas. She was clearly offended. Officer Vakarian faked laughing. Then tried hard to chase me out. You, not laughing. Not very successful. Will research further. Never been good at jokes. Did not have time to perfect it. No one worth joking with either until now. Maybe will perfect it before suicide mission."

"Garrus did not successfully chase you out, huh? If you don't have anything else, I'll successfully chase YOU out for ruining my fantasy, Mordin."

"Ah, yes," Mordin said. "Came to inform. Plot to make me scan and disrupt digestive system of Agent Taylor and Yeoman Chambers, unsuccessful. Should have asked before executing plan. Would have helped plant virus instead under skin. When expose to hot water, give hive-like rashes. Much easier."

"So, you saying it didn't work?"

"Wouldn't work," Mordin shook his head. "Impulsive and childish plot. Only Officer Garrus Vakarian might have went along. Has great admiration toward you. Anyone else? As immature and childish as plot."

"Oh, come on, Mordin. It was just for fun. And Garrus only agreed to it because I threatened to put him into a pink armor."

"Pink armor?" Mordin thought for a bit. "Vakarian's skin would suit pink. Aesthetically pleasing combination."

"You should tell him that," Shepard said. "He refused to believe me."

The Commander watched Mordin for a while. Then, she folded her arms and gestured with her brows to her favorite Salarian scientist. Her way of saying "what else?". Mordin continued,

"Do you know, Drell snore? Respiratory and lungs. Adaptability issue. Very loud. If attached, suggest do not share bed."

"Mordin," Shepard said quietly. "Are you trying to tell me something about Garrus and Thane? It sounded like you are trying to hard sell Garrus to me while discouraging me from liking Thane."

"Outrageous!" Mordin answered. "Making conversation. Nothing more."

"I see, so then, tell me more of what you know, since you are 'making conversation," Shepard quoted him.

"Ah, good to hear you have interest in subject. Getting to know other races first step to better crew relationship."

"Ah huh...."

"Turians. Extremely loyal. One life partner. If found, does not just discard partner for another. Contrary to popular belief, extremely passionate while engaging in intercourse."

"Ah huh...."

"Humans, known to be frickle minded in finding reproductive partner. Changing marriage partner like changing lab coat. Many unfaithful. Humans brought the term "divorce" to other races. Divorce unheard of until humans enter into the Citadel. Possibility of finding a Geth willing to help our course higher than human males on board remaining faithful for more than a few months.... Except Flight Lieutenant Moreau, Doctor Chakwas, Engineer Kenneth Donnelly and Engineer Gabriella Daniels... Maybe many others too.... See you might be a faithful Human too.... Should take my words back. Should do more research."

"Ah huh...."

"But Yeoman Chambers. Do not choose her as life partner. Asked to dance on lab counter. Suggested strip teasing. Told her am too old to be strip teasing on counter top. Did not understand," Mordin pointed to his missing horn. "Explained missing horn deemed as undesirable as a stripper. Age, too, suggest sagginess in certain areas. best remained clothed and not dancing. Totally oblivious still. Unteachable. Shocking to suggest old man like me to strip tease for her. Not suitable as partner. Fling maybe?"

Shepard pressed down on her lips, trying very hard not to laugh but the image of Mordin dancing and stripping on counter tops was just a little too much to handle. Her lips quivered and shook as she bit down harder.

Finally, she just let go and laughed very hard.

"I'm sorry, Mordin," Shepard said after a while and between breaths. "But you can't put images like that in people's mind and expect straight faces. And I think you got it the wrong way, Kelly Chambers most likely said she wanted to dance for you."

"A serious observation. Do not understand where humor lies. But happy am funny finally. Appreciate respond, no matter how inappropriately timed."

"Anyway," Shepard was still laughing softly. "I think your hard selling that certain Turian to me by putting his competitions down like they were some inferior brands of toothpastes, is backfiring a little."

"Again do not understand reference. But no hard selling. Making conversation and telling result of observation."

"Are you giving me advise on whom to pick and telling me I should pick Garrus?"

"Advise? No. Observations only."

"So," Shepard said. "You observed that Garrus is my best choice?"

"Absolutely."

"Not Thane then?"

"Terminally ill Drell with suicidal tendencies? Gives hallunications when in oral contact? Has wet webbed hands and feet? Snores?"

"Fine," Shepard said. "You've made your point as clear as water. So, Garrus, huh?"

"Not suggesting. Choose whomever you like. Can perform examinations afterward. Some may require probes. Advice. More unpleasant conditions apply to others than with Vakarian." 

"Fine. Fine. I'll go to you and listen to more of your advices on whomever I ended up choosing, okay? So what else do you want to speak to me about?"

"Good to know. Will have all materials ready. Came also to ask about Tuchanka. Noticed we are heading that way?"

"Yes," Shepard said. "Wrex contacted me to go meet with him. Says he came in possession of some new weapons that might be helpful when we storm the Collector Base. We're swinging by to pick him up. We're not landing. We'll just be in orbit. He's bringing the samples. He has never been on the new Normandy. Be nice to have him visit."

"Ah, I see," Mordin said. "If possible, would like to coordinate with EDI to send down probes on outskirts of cities to collect water and soil samples. Would come in handy for future study."

"I will assist in any manner I can, Doctor Solus," EDI's disembodied voice came over the comm. "I would, however, suggest notifying Tuchanka clan authorities before engaging in any activities to avoid a diplomatic incident."

"I'll inform Wrex about it right after this so he knows," Shepard said. "Shouldn't be a problem. EDI, just get ready when I tell you to go ahead. But Mordin, don't fool around probing near the female camps. You heard what they say about Krogan females being heavily guarded and protected."

"Wouldn't dream of it," Mordin straightened his body. "Would never fool around with female Krogans."

"Sometimes, Mordin," Shepard shook her head. "I wonder if you really don't get it or just pretend not to get it."

"Either way," Mordin smiled. "Results must serve the correct purposes. And now shall go continue work."

Mordin turned to leave and was out the door, getting ready to work on his scanner again on the way down, when Shepard stopped him and caught up with him at the elevator.

"Mordin," Shepard called out. 

"Yes?"

"Did Garrus say anything to you or asked you to help put in a good word for him?"

"No. Turians, not the most romantic specie. Couple with awkwardness, extremely unlikely. Vakarian, not sly enough to ask for help. Have forwarded materials to aid him. Human dating rituals and how to initiate sex vids, mostly. Also forwarded sexuality vids, both clinical and mainstream. Apparently, needs that too. Seemed too anxious to self stimulate. Refuted my concern when brought up. Very sensitive regarding that. Suggest not ask him about it. Play along with his initiations. Lessen awkwardness. Ease tension. Calm his nerves. Never seen full grown male behave that way with females. Must be deep attraction. The deeper the attraction, the deeper the fear of rejection. Basic Psychology. Took a course on it when young. One day, set professor's suit on fire by accident. Was rushing to class holding experiment. Tripped and fell. Was in detention for three weeks. Still obtained excellent results after. Very memorable class."

"Really?" Shepard smirked. "Should have doubled you as the Yeoman if I knew that earlier. Anyway, why don't I just go to him and ask him to jump in bed with me right now? I'm not the shy kind."

"Human saying. Go with the flow. Let him start the flow. Go with it. Won't know what hit him."

"You're suggesting to turn what he says and use that to initiate something?"

"Not sug...," Mordin corrected Shepard but was interrupted.

"I know, I know," Shepard said. "Not suggesting. Just an observation."

"So Garrus really likes me, huh?" Shepard asked, biting her lower lip.

"For some time. Intentions and actions, very clear with Officer Vakarian. Although if not interested, could suggest some Krogan females for him. Scars of that dimension consider extremely attractive to Krogan females."

The elevator door opened and Mordin stepped into it, giving Shepard a final nod and immediately went on to fiddling with his scanner.

"No Krogan female is taking my Turian away," he heard Shepard said quietly as the door closed. Mordin smiled to himself but did not look up from what he was doing until he arrived on the floor to his lab, still smiling.


	7. Chapter 7

"Mordin," Shepard said as she stormed into the lab. "You're the worst adviser ever!"

"Worst?" Mordin asked. "Never given bad advice. "Worst" is an exaggeration. Vakarian not recognize? Not understand your propositions, perhaps?"

"You told me to "go with his flow"," Shepard swept her hand back and forth in the air. "Go with his flow, indeed! I went with all his "flows" and got drowned!"

"Relate incident," Mordin said. "Perhaps can assist in clarifying."

"Incident? Incident? I have been trying to "flow" myself into getting him to understand I'm interested so many times! He just don't get it! Why can't I just push him up against a wall and get it over with?"

"Not a bad idea," Mordin nodded. "May get hurt. Both human and Turian. Turians all trained in hand-to-hand combat in military. Most likely find strong retaliation against rape attempt. Sparing as wooing technique. Might work. Why didn't you?"

Shepard opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. She closed it back and started pouting. No one had ever seen Commander Shepard in that state except maybe her parents when she was younger and no one ever should. But somehow, Mordin had inserted himself as a father figure in Shepard's life without her knowing it. Realizing that she was pouting in front of him made her aware of how much she wished that she was a young child again. She sighed and relaxed her lips.

"Maybe I should just choose Thane. At least the "how to begin" part is no longer an issue since he had expressed interest already."

"Maybe," Mordin said without looking up from his work. "Thane Krios a more attractive diversion. More humanoid. Less alien-like. Although suggest not to get intoxicated like last romantic venture. Alenko hard to get rid of as it was."

"Please don't remind me. I just got a letter from him that I am shelving until I know what to do with it. Or who to give it to so they can deal with it." 

"You want one but seek comfort in another. Ending always will be in a mess. Very messy. Maybe should choose Thane Krios. Live in desert. Less mess. Only mess, sand in eyes. Sand in hair. Sand in mouth. Sand in neither region. At least mess only because of sand."

"What should I do, Mordin?" Shepard whined. "I don't want to live in the desert with a dying Drell. I know it sounds terrible, speaking about a dying man that way. And he's such a great guy too, which makes it worse because I wouldn't mind him at all. If there were no Vakarian...! But I'm beginning to think my best choice is the desert loving Thane instead of the stupid scarred face Turian...."

"Already advice. Choose the physically attractive one. Thane Krios, closer to home? Jacob Taylor, even closer. Already said will do post-intercourse examination for you. No worries now."

"But Mordin," Shepard sighed. "If it's physical attractiveness I wanted, Garrus wouldn't be first on the list. Not that he isn't attractive to me. He is god damn sexy to me. And that's the problem. He is the one whom I grew to like the outside because of what I saw on the inside. All the other guys are the exact opposite. It's the outside I like before I even know the inside. This made everyone else paled in comparison to Garrus no matter how much more attractive they are. Do you even get what I mean?"

"Not at all. Physical attractiveness, understood. Many Salarians find Asari attractive, even with breasts. Making a simple decision complicated, do not understand. Stay focus and discard all others if indeed like Vakarian more. Stop looking at other options. Now, while waiting for result analysis to be ready, relate each incident, perhaps can help," Mordin repeated.

"Ok, here's what happened...."

\------------------------------------------------

Incident Number One:

Shepard walked out of the crew deck toward the kitchen to see Garrus sitting with Gardner, eating his meal. The I.C of the ship's kitchen immediately got up and went over to help Shepard with her dinner when he saw her. Shepard placed her order, got herself a drink of water and went over to sit with Garrus. Before she got there, she purposely lowered her jumper zip down a few inches to reveal more of her curves. 

"Not calibrating?" Shepard asked Garrus as she sat partially down opposite him. It was more of a leaning than an exact sitting down.

"Even the Master of Calibrations needs an occasional break," there was humor in Garrus' voice. A good sign.

"So," Shepard said breathily, slowly articulating her words while leaning forward more. "What else can this Master of Calibrations calibrate besides his own guns?"

"Shepard," Garrus said.

"Yeah?" Shepard breathed.

Garrus lifted her hoodie tassel and showed it to her, "Your hoodie is in my soup...."

\------------------------------------------------

"Stopping you here," Mordin said.

"What? Why? I am not done with the story."

"Unzipping clothing unnecessary move. Never would have caught attention."

"What?" Shepard was offended. "Hey! I may not be a double D but I've got some...some assets there!"

"Not speaking of breasts size. Speaking of using wrong asset to attract Turians."

"Wrong asset?"

"Turians males not partial to breasts like human males. Crests. Fringe. Head tendrils. Waist. Attractive areas. Breasts. Not attractive areas."

"I have no crests or head tendrils!"

"Show your waist," Mordin poked one of his three fingers at Shepard's waist, causing her to squirm a little. "Not perfect. Thicker than Turian females.... Actually much thicker. Might not be attractive to Turian males. Do not give that look. Such look best reserved for Collectors. May scare them to death. No need for upgraded guns. Shepard's murderous look enough. Joking. Waist is fine. Can stop looking that way now. Just show waist to Vakarian. Will appreciate it more than breasts."

"How do Turian females show off their waists when they and the guy are sitting opposite each other?" Shepard folded her arms across her mid driff to shield her waist.

"Stand up. Walk around. Stand next to him. He seated. You standing. Waist to eye level. Very good vantage point. Next incident."

"But I am not done with the first one!"

"Nothing more to say," Mordin said as he stirred something in a test tube. "Already pointed out faults. Next incident."

Shepard sighed, "Ok, fine. Next time when I got to speak with him was when Wrex was on board...."

\------------------------------------------------

Incident Number Two:

"And I thought I was the ugly one," Wrex was saying. "Now you both have almost identical scars. Both of you are ugly as shit now."

"You came up to the ship to remind us we have scars, huh?" Garrus laughed as he sipped his Turian brandy. Wrex not only brought guns with him but also a couple bottles of liquor for both Turians and the rest of the universe. Wrex claimed they were all tributes from other clan leaders but Shepard suspected he had purchased the Turian brandy himself. Whatever it was, it still paid to be the baddest bad ass in Tuchanka.

"No," Wrex said. "Not just scars. Have you two looked in the mirror together lately? But I also came to see a ship without the evil Mako. Look how peaceful the place is for you now, Turian. You don't need to curse or swear under the engine daily."

"I didn't always cursed and swore," Garrus said.

"No, you just complained," Wrex laughed. "You're the whiniest Turian I've ever met!"

"Now he just calibrates," Shepard said, half listening, a little dishearted by her failed attempt in the mass hall to draw Garrus' attention.

"Well," Garrus' mandibles dropped a little in faked disappointment. "You're getting the best calibration right now. You know calibration is my thing."

"I'm so not using the "calibration" line again. Throw me something else," Shepard said absentmindedly.

"Something else?" Wrex asked.

"Like Turian feet?" Shepard said quietly.

"Throw you his feet?" Wrex joked.

"What about my feet?" Garrus asked.

"You know what they say about feet," Shepard said.

"They say things about Turian feet?" Wrex looked surprised.

"There is an expression about large feet," Shepard said.

Wrex and Garrus looked at each other.

Shepard sighed, "Garrus has large feet."

"And....," Wrex said.

"I like men with large feet," Shepard said.

"So.....," Wrex said. "I have large feet too."

"Your feet are different," Shepard said.

"I get it," Wrex smirked. "So what they say about big feet only applies to Turians, huh?" he chuckled.

"Am I missing something here," Garrus asked.

"It must be the different specie thing," Shepard sighed.

"I got it," Wrex said. "So it's not the different specie thing. It's a Vakarian thing...."

\------------------------------------------------

"Stopping ...."

"Mordin! Why do you keep on stopping me!" Shepard shouted.

"Saw problem," Mordin said. "And saw solution. Entire story? Waste of time. Already know how it ended. Very impatient. Told you go with his flow, not push him into a flow. How old is Urdnot Wrex?"

"He's up there in years," Shepard shrugged. She never did asked Wrex how old he was. "He had fought in the Krogan rebellion, so he's definitely over three hundred. Maybe six, seven hundredish?"

"Good enough," Mordin said. "With Vakarian now?"

"Yes, Wrex is with Garrus talking in the mass hall. Doctor Chakwas is there too. I left them to run up to you!"

"Problem already solved," Mordin said. "Wait a while more. Go back down. Everything settled."

"I don't get you," Shepard shook her head. "But I'm just going to not do anything and follow. Because if I do, I am pretty sure I'd lose my patience and totally mess it up again."

"Ah," Mordin smiled. "Finally understood. Good learning experience. Yes. Analysis ready. Excellent. Sit here and let me read you the results. Fascinating find."

"No," Shepard said. "N, O. No. No reading results to me. Just give me the summarized version. I will only listen to you report the entire result if I have had a month's worth of insomnia. Plus, I'm way too distracted by this whole "waist being not as thick as female Turians problem" at the moment to pay attention."

\------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile....

"You're pathetic, Turian," Wrex shook his head after Doctor Chakwas was called away for a small emergency. A crewman had injured his back while trying to haul some supplies from the cargo bay to storage.

"What?" Garrus turned to look at his friend. "What do you mean?"

"Even I can tell she's on to you," Wrex answered. "First time it happened back on the old Normandy, I figured you might eventually catch on. But now, I'm pretty sure you're gonna end up old and alone... or dead and alone, depending if you survive the Collector base. And being this dumb, I suggest you try hard not survive it."

"Spirits, Wrex," Garrus sighed. "I know I'm a little slow in catching the meaning to her words. But you're not helping."

"If I'm not helping, I wouldn't be talking," Wrex smirked.

"Then stop telling me what I already know and help me fix it!"

"How many times had she done what she just did?"

"A couple of times now."

"So, she's basically using words as a sling to throw you the line. You just need to say the right things at the right time."

"What kind? I thought I was saying all the right things!" Garrus said.

"Calibration is my thing? You call that the right thing?"

"Then help me!" Garrus begged.

"If you can't catch the line, throw her one," Wrex said. "Shepard should be able catch it. How experience are you with sex, really, Turian?"

"I know next to nothing about human females...," Garrus said.

"Give me one "conquest" of yours. Your own kind. One of the better ones," Wrex said

"Well, there was this Recon Scout I worked with...."

"When was that?" Wrex made a face.

"Before I joined C-sec...."

"That was eight years ago!" Wrex shook his head.

"Spirits! I'm not the type who will sleep with every Turian female just because they're there!"

"But eight years?" Wrex shook his head harder.

"You said one of the better ones!"

"Fine! Tell me about that. Maybe I can help you come up with something you both can use. You two are pathetic."

\------------------------------------------------

"Spirits," Garrus sighed. "You can't possibly think that is a good idea?"

"Trust me, it'll work. You're drowning here, Turian. Take what I've to offer. If not, don't run to me if you end up having another Alenko incident on your hands."

"But, it's.... It's extremely... for lack of a better word... CHESSY!"

"If it gets the job done, who cares if its a Turian wearing a tutu. Just do what needs to be done," Wrex said matter-of-factly.

"A what?" Garrus asked.

"Never seen a tutu before? It's like this really strange looking dress that looked like it had been blown up with helium that some human dancers wear when they dance on tip toe."

Wrex mimicked the moves of a ballerina, badly. Swirling around while tip toeing were two things no Krogans should attempt to do. It looked worse when the one attempting to do it was a seasoned scarred Battlemaster.

"Spirits, Wrex, what have you been doing these past two years?" Garrus mandible dropped.

"Getting cultured, obviously," Wrex said proudly. "Not many Krogans can dare say that they had watched the entire Elcor production of Swan Lake and not puked once. But I much prefer the original human ones."

"I don't even know what to say...," it was Garrus' turn to shake his head.

"And there lays your problem since the beginning. If you don't know to say anything, you'll lose a good thing call Shepard," Wrex lectured.

"I know, Wrex," Garrus said. "But..."

"Just do it, Turian," Wrex said. "Give me the gist of it so I know you got it down."

"Ok, Ok. I once boned this Turian female on a Turian ship... I've got the reach... She's got the flexibility.... Spirits, it just sounds terrible."

"It's supposed to be an opener! If you don't want to, you will just have to admit you're a failure."

"She's got reach... I've got flexi...," Garrus repeated.

"You!" Wrex roared. "You got the reach!"

"I've got the reach, she's got the flexibility.... I've the reach, she, the flexibility.... I, reach. She, flexibility. Got it."

"Remember," Wrex said. "Thank her, then give her the story. End with the hint. Shepard should know how to pick it up from there."

Garrus nodded.

"Good luck, Turian," Wrex said, patting Garrus' shoulder. "I'd rather see her with you than anyone else. So next time I see you two again, you better be an item. If not, I will stretch you till your reach breaks and your flexibility becomes elastic. Just because I like you doesn't mean I won't kill you. You two are pathetic."

\------------------------------------------------

There was one thing Shepard was never very good at, giving up. Right after saying goodbye to Wrex, she set a course for Halestorm, then immediately headed straight for the elevator to the crew deck and the main battery. Mordin had said Wrex would solved the problem. She needed to know if Mordin was right.

"I'll try till I can't," Shepard told herself. "I don't believe the kind of things I'm willing to do to get this guy. Garrus Vakarian, you better be worth it."

The main battery's opened and Garrus was at his usual station, calibrating.

"Shepard," he turned around. "Need me for something?"

"Have you got a minute?" Shepard asked and prayed hard he would say yes and then add something she could use this time.

"Sure," Garrus shrugged. "Just killing time anyway."

Bingo! New line today! No more "Can it wait a bit". Things were looking up for Shepard.

"I want to thank you again for your help with Sidonis," Garrus continued. "Whatever happens with the Collectors or whoever else comes after us, I know you'll get the job done."

"You intend to have something worse to come after the Collectors?" Shepard said, turning her body slightly. Did that make her waist look smaller?

Garrus laughed a little, "Don't worry, Shepard. You and I alone can handle more than what might be worse than the Collectors."

"I'm glad to hear that. I couldn't do this without you, Garrus," Shepard smiled. Was the position she was standing making her waist looked thicker instead? It felt like it. She needed her waist to look smaller, damn it! Where was the corset when you needed one?

"Sure you could," Garrus said. "Not as stylishly, of course."

Shepard moved to the crates at the side of the room. Would being in the darker part of the room gave her the advantage to look like she had a smaller waist? Maybe the shadow would hide all the right places....

"Strange, going on a suicide mission on a human ship," Garrus said, following Shepard with his eyes. "You people don't prepare for high risk missions the way Turians do."

Gosh, Shepard thought. No matter how she positioned herself, she was still self conscious about her waist. Why did Mordin have to tell her about Turian females and their waists? Gosh, their tiny waists.... Shepard could never be able to get that kind of waist, unless she stopped eating for six months.... She might look better sitting down. Shepard sat down on the crate.

"How do Turian crews get ready for high risk missions?" She asked. Ok, one arm on the knee, bend over a little, Shepard. That was it. Hide the waist! Give him just enough!

"With violence, usually," Garrus put his hands behind his back. Did he look nervous, Shepard asked herself. Maybe it was her. She sure as hell was nervous about her waist now! "Turian ships have more operational discipline that your Alliance but fewer personal restrictions. Our Commanders run us tight, and they know we need to blow off steam. Turian ships have training room for exercise, combat sims, even full contact sparring. Whatever lets people work off stress."

Garrus inhaled. Shepard blinked. That was the most number of words in one go Shepard had heard Garrus speak since he joined her after Omega. There must be something in there she could use.

"You mean Turian ships have crewmen fighting each other during a mission?" she asked him.

"It's supervised, of course," Garrus said. "Nobody's going to risk any injuries that could interfere with the mission. And it's a good way to settle grudges amicably. I remember right before one mission. We were about to hit a Batarian pirate squard. Very risky. This Recon Scout and I had been at each other's throats. Nerves mostly. She suggested we settle it in the ring."

Come on Vakarian, Shepard thought. Give something!

"I assumed you took her down gently?" Give something, anything, Shepard thought.

"Actually," Garrus explained. "She and I were the top ranked hand-to-hand specialists on the ship. I had reach but she had flexibility. It was brutal. After nine rounds, the judge called it a draw. There were a lot of unhappy betters in the training room. We...er... ended up holding a tiebreaker in her quarters. I have reach and she had flexibility.... More than one way to work off stress, I guess."

Double Bingo! Reach and flexibility! Work off stress! Shepard could totally use that!

"It sounds like you're carrying some tension," Shepard stood up and strolled toward Garrus. "Maybe I can help you get rid of them."

"I...er...didn't think you feel like sparring, Commander," Garrus said. 

That had to be a blush, Shepard thought. Ok, so he was playing along now. Finally! Time to reel in the catch, Commander!

"What if we skip right to the tiebreaker?" Shepard leaned against the console. Yes, that was a good pose. Immediate diversion of all male attention to the most important part, no matter humans or Turian! Waist be gone! "We can test your reach, and my flexibility."

"Oh, I didn't... Hmmm," Garrus panicked a little. He just realized to his dismay that Wrex did not teach him how to react after the story was told.

"Never knew you have a weakness for men with scars," that was all he could think to say at the moment. 

Then, Garrus decided it was time to not be such a whim when it came to matters of the hearts but to just strike while the iron was still hot.

"Why the hell not," he said, turning away and not looking at Shepard gave him more courage and less opportunity for his tongue to get tied up in knots. "There's nobody in the galaxy I respect more than you. If we can figure a way out to make it work, then.... yeah... Definitely."

Finally! Shepard thought. She was all smug look and beyond as she strolled passed Garrus, who was watching her every move, and out the main battery. Oh, he was so going to be hers, she thought. Thick waist be damned. She was catching this one with or without the right Turian waist to hips ratio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caught a viral flu. A little crazily tired these few days. Took a while to finish this. Editing it later, as usual.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for Shepard to narrow down all the suitors to just one Turian....

"Garrus!" Shepard jumped onto her soon-to-be lover's armored back. " Wha'cha doin'? Wha'cha doin'?"

"Huh?" Garrus asked, but didn't throw Shepard down. Instead, he just let her slid off his back naturally.

"I'm asking what are you doing," Shepard said.

"I'm doing what I always do when I'm at this console, Shepard," Garrus said but did not turn around. "You're in a happy mood today."

"I am!" Shepard beamed and slapped his back happily. "We got ourselves a friendly Geth!"

"Why am I not surprised that you woke up the Geth unit?" Garrus said. He was used to Shepard's idiosyncrasy. "You're like a child when it comes to pressing buttons and waking up dangerous things. Tali's been informed?" 

"Geth's got a name, Garrus. EDI's given him one. He's Legion. And nope," Shepard shook her head. She curled her arms around his waist and put her head on his crown. "Not told Tali yet. You're doing it."

"Watch the waist, Shepard," Garrus tried to wiggle free. "Sensitive area. And why do I always get the crap details? Can't you send someone else down instead so at least I don't get shot?"

"Nope," Shepard said, letting go of his waist. "Sending anyone else might seriously end in tragedy. Tali's got a shotgun. Sending you in, well, at least your chances of survival are better against her."

Shepard watched Garrus' back for a bit. When he did not attempt to stop working and turn to face her, she poked the side of his waist with her finger. The unexpected action came as a total shock to Garrus. He threw himself to the side of the console and lifted his hands to push Shepard away. Seeing his reaction made Shepard poked him more which made him tried shielding himself harder from her assaults. 

"What's with Turians and waists anyway?" she asked, chasing Garrus with her finger when he started worming around the room, avoiding her after his failed attempts to block her slender finger. "Mordin kept emphasizing how important it was to you guys."

"Shepard! Stop it!" Garrus said. He continued to toss and twist and block. 

"Tell me, and I'll stop," Shepard laughed.

"It's complicated!" Garrus said, aligning himself between the crate and the wall at the far corner of the room and hitting Shepard's hands whenever she tried to move closer.

"Tell me and I'll stop," Shepard repeated.

"It's an erogenous zone, ok!" Garrus squealed. "Now stop it! You're practically sexually harassing me right now!" 

"So you're saying you're squirming because you're aroused, not because you're ticklish," Shepard said.

"Yes! Now will you stop it?" Garrus begged.

"Okay, okay," Shepard laughed at Garrus but stopped. "Good to know the best way to punish you if you ever dare calibrate till you forget about me."

"That is so wrong, Shepard," Garrus said, a little weary of returning to his console from his little hiding place behind the crate. He took it one step at a time, sliding slowly back to the center of the room, watching her hands very closely. 

"That is evil," Garrus said. "I never forgot about you."

"Tell me you don't like being sexually aroused and I'll never do that again," Shepard grinned. 

"If the circumstances are right, not now!" Garrus said. "I'm in the middle of my duty!"

"Who was the one who was all fired up when Kasumi and I spoke about BDSM and "sex while on duty"?"

"Shepard! Stop putting thoughts in my mind about that again! You've already done more than enough with the waist!"

Shepard had to laugh at Garrus. She couldn't help it. Here he was, taller, bigger and so much stronger than her, with talons and teeth that were evolved to be more like weapons then her hands and teeth could ever be. He was a killing machine with or without the armor and guns. Yet, he was the one squirming and hiding from her.

"Ok, big guy," Shepard said. "I'll play nice, for now. Leave you to your job. I've some personal matters to settle too with Thane and Jacob, and maybe Kelly Chambers." Shepard winked and was about to turn.

"About that, Shepard," Garrus stepped up, forgetting his squirmy and awkward self suddenly. It caused Shepard to turn back to look at him and pay full attention. "I've been thinking on what we talked about, blowing off steam, easing off tension.... I've never considered cross species intercourse. And damn, saying it that way doesn't help, now I feel dirty and clinical. Are we crazy to be thinking about this? I'm not.... Look....Shepard, I know you can find something closer to home...."

"Honestly speaking, do you want me to find something closer to home, Garrus?" Shepard asked. Her mood was not dampened but she was more cautious. "You want me to go for Jacob or Thane? Or Kelly? She's closest to closer to home you can get."

"Honestly speaking, Shepard, I don't know," Garrus said. "I do, yet I don't. If that actually make any sense at all."

"Do you want something closer to home, Garrus?" Shepard asked.

"No, I don't," Garrus answered truthfully. "But it's not about me. I'd rather you be happy."

"How about if I tell you I don't want something closer to home? That closer to home may not be what makes me happy?" Shepard said, stoking Garrus' arm softly. "How about if I tell you I want you only? That you make me happy? That I want someone I can trust?"

"Trust," Garrus said. "I can do that. I'll find some music and...hmmm...do some research on how this thing should work. It'll be a night to treasure or an interspecies awkwardness thing." 

Shepard almost laughed again, but seeing how serious Garrus was at the moment she decided to best not laugh at him.

"In which, fighting the Collector will be a welcome distraction...so...you know...a win either way," Garrus had started to revert back to his awkward self again.

"You know Garrus," Shepard said. " If you're not comfortable with this, it's ok. I'm not trying to pressure you."

"Shepard," Garrus said quietly. "You're about the only friend I've left in this screwed up galaxy. I'm not gonna pretend I've got a fetish for humans. But this isn't about that. This is about us. You don't have to ever worry about making me uncomfortable. Nervous, yes. But never uncomfortable."

"So, when should I book the room?" Shepard joked. Frankly, she didn't want to wait but seeing how nervous she was making Garrus, she decided she would let him lead instead.

"I'll wait, if you're okay with it. Disrupt the crew as little as possible. Take the last chance to find some calm before the storm. You know me, I always like to savoy the last shot before popping the heat sink." And the awkward Garrus was back again, thought Shepard.

"Wait...," Garrus took a second before realizing what he had just said. "That metaphor just went somewhere horrible...."

"I'll let you get back to work," Shepard believed his awkwardness would become worse if she did not leave him now.

"Right.... Cos I'm in a great place to optimize fighting algorithm right now," Garrus said.

"Blame Mordin," Shepard smiled. "He started the whole waist thing. Oh, and guess what? We've got a M-44 Hammerhead! When we take it out for its first spin, we'll take Tali too!"

"We? Shepard, seriously? Remember crap details? Give me less of those?" Garrus sighed as he watched Shepard leave the room.

"Not happening, Vakarian. You, me, Tali. Just like old times!" 

Garrus had not seen Shepard that happy for a long time. And he felt a little happier too knowing he was a huge part of the reason for her joy.

\------------------------------------------------

"Thane, are you ok?" Garrus asked.

"Not good, Garrus," Thane was definitely looking greener than his usual green. "Does she always pilot like that?"

"I think she actually...got...better...," Garrus said, swirling in his seat as Shepard's spun and swung the hammerhead. 

When the two's jerking and swirling died down, Garrus continued, "Tali was supposed to be here. She must have used some really convincing excuse to get out of this. Sorry you have to take her place though."

Shepard whooped as the Hammerhead sped up to a hundred and twenty kilometers. She lifted the aircraft and stomped on the hoverjet panel, propelling the vehicle higher till the hoverjet overheated before bringing it down and forward without losing speed. The two passengers behind held on to their seats as the craft was suddenly brought down low to the surface of the planet, breaking trees and burning bushes as it flew through the foliage.

"Tali said she's running a fever!" Shepard shouted from her driver's seat gleefully. "She's so missing out! Isn't this awesome, Thane?"

"I am truly regretting saying yes to coming along," Thane said quietly to Garrus, hoping his voice would not carry over to Shepard. "With my eidetic memory, and my tendency to slip into it, I will relive this nightmare over and over when I think of Shepard. It is most unfortunate."

"You'll survive, Thane. I did. Kinda used to it now. At least I won't need to repair any damages to the Hammerhead like I used to with the Mako. The ride, I can handle. The repairs set me off every time."

"I heard that, Vakarian!" Shepard shouted from her seat right before making a sharp turn that almost sent Thane crashing against the wall of the vehicle if Garrus had not held him with one hand. Thane nodded a thanks to him as he settled back in his seat. He was too nauseous to speak.

"And didn't Doctor Chakwas said you should not be reminiscing so much?" Shepard turned to watch Thane and away from her driving. "Prolonged sedentary activity will increase rate of lung degradation. It was in her report."

"Damn it, Shepard!" Garrus shouted. "Watch where you're going!"

"Eyes on the road!" Thane screamed the same time Garrus shouted.

There was a "boink" kind of jerking to the Hammerhead before it hopped and bounced and "boinked" again. 

"Humanity: one, Local Wildlife: zero," the V.I. stated plainly.

"Ops," Shepard sticked out her tongue apologetically, "I think I just ran over another space cow."

"Another one, Shepard?" Garrus asked. "Seriously, we should just get Gardner to come collect the kills and you guys will have enough meat for a month on the ship."

"I'm not eating road kill, Vakarian. And it just moved right in my way! I don't like running over them either."

"Shepard!" Garrus and Thane screamed together.

"Watch the fucking road!" Garrus cried out right after.

This time, there was a screech and then a dragging sound before a bounce and a hop.

"The Galactic Humane Society reminds you that animals are people too," the V.I. said with no emotions.

"See what you just made me do, Vakarian!" Shepard shouted

"I made you?" Garrus barked back. "You always drive like a lunatic, and that began way before you met me!"

"That cow's death was on your head, not mine. You distracted me!" Shepard punched the targeting system and a missile fired. "Ops...."

Somewhere outside the Hammerhead, an innocent space cow exploded.

"Targeting systems do not require local wildlife to calibrate," the V.I. said, this time it actually sounded like it was shaking its head.

"Shepard," Thane said. "Please stop running over and shooting innocent space cows. There's not enough prayers to Kalihira to cover for their deaths."

"Sorry, that one was my fault. I can't drive and shoot at the same time in this thing! Apparently, my body and mind are two separate entities when I start driving. But this thing ...the targeting system totally sucks!"

"Can I drive and you shoot then?" Garrus asked, moving up to sit shotgun.

"You know better than to ask me that!" Shepard stared at him for a second before looking back to where she was going.

"I'll keep trying as long as you have your ass at the wheel," Garrus said. "Just because one shifty looking cow stole your credits, you have to go on a killing rampage on all others?"

"Oh my god!" Shepard said. "Those were the same specie of cows, weren't they? That bitch on Ontarom stole from all of us when we weren't looking!"

"Only you and Tali, Shepard," Garrus corrected. "That cow never stole from me."

"You're lying," Shepard turned and looked at Garrus but Garrus immediately caught her cheeks with his talons and pushed her face back to the front.

"Never lost a credit. Must be my imposing figure. Remember, Shepard, I'm awesome."

"Liar," Shepard said.

"You wish," Garrus said. "Now, how about you drive and I shoot?"

"Okay, fine, you get the guns," Shepard agreed finally.

\------------------------------------------------

Vulcan Station was an easy sweep in the beginning. The Hammerhead plowed most of the LOKI Mechs into the ground. A number of times, Garrus simply had to reach over Shepard's hands and pull the steering up so the tank did not fall into the lava streams. This brought a few dirty looks from Shepard but she did not stop him. Jumping and hopping from rock to rock was more Shepard's thing and so, Garrus did not try to take control. The turrets were harder to get through because the two sitting in front had very different views on how they should deal with them.

"Just hit the fucking booster rocket, Shepard!" Garrus argued. "We can bypassed it without a scratch."

"I want it as scrap metal!" Shepard replied. "I want it dead!"

"Which part of "think fast", "move fast, "don't fall in" did you not get?" Garrus shouted. "Just get pass the turrets!"

"Fine! But once I'm done in there, I'm coming back here to finish it!"

"Fine! Now move your ass!"

Shepard obeyed grudgingly. 

The Hammerhead jumped and made a left turn once it got to the other side, only to trigger two turrets on top of a plateau.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" Shepard immediately retreated.

"Backup! Backup!" Garrus ordered.

"What the hell do you think I'm doing?" Shepard said. "Shoot them! Shoot them!"

"Right! Shepard! Move right!" Garrus ordered again. 

Shepard obeyed this time without holding a grudge and Garrus opened fire on the turrets, bringing both down quickly and neatly.

"Yes!" Shepard cheered. "Vakarian: one, Local Turrets: zero!"

"Happy now?" Garrus said. He was smiling his Turian smile. "Got you some turrets."

"And Iridium!" Shepard directed the Hammerhead to the spot and collected her prize.

\------------------------------------------------

It took them an entire day cycle to finally be done with the mission. David Archer was now in the safe hands of Doctor Chakwas and Mordin Solus. The latter was so amazed by their find he insisted on reprogramming his new scanner to scan ever inch of Archer. Shepard was too tired to argue with her hyperactive ship scientist and just told him to not do anything she wouldn't do, in which he was shocked and answered,

"Shepard not scientist. Too much you wouldn't do. Follow your example? No more invention. No more new cures."

"Thanks a lot, Mordin, for going a big round and calling me an idiot," Shepard said. "Just be nice to the poor boy. He's been through a lot already."

"Absolutely. Will not dream of harming," Mordin promised.

Shepard was the first to leave the med bay after making sure Thane and Garrus was ok. She needed a shower and some shut eye before the ship docked at Grissom Academy. 

When Shepard had left, Thane turned to Garrus and said, "I am happy for you two."

"I'm sorry?" Garrus did not get it.

"The two of you," Thane said. "You two are very well matched. Reminds me of when I first met my wife, Irikah. We used to fight like you two did today."

"Ah," Mordin chipped in. "Vakarian and Shepard already engaged in sexual activity? Will prepare analgesic. Chafing? Any? Anaphylactic shock?"

"Mordin!" Garrus hushed him. "Stop right there!"

Mordin stopped right in his track, as if he was frozen. He blinked at Garrus. 

"Please don't continue talking," Garrus said. "We're not there yet!"

"Ah," Mordin said. "Have research materials all ready. Send you copy."

Thane coughed to suppressed his laughter, "You're a lucky man, Garrus," he said.

"No hard feelings?" Garrus asked. "I know you...."

"No hard feelings," Thane said. "Shepard is a wonderful woman. A great warrior, friend and comrade in arms. She has also a very attractive personality. But frankly, I think only you can take her driving."


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before the Chapter begins, I am gonna thank all those of you who had review in both AO3 n fanfic.net. I never thought to write more than three short fics on Mass Effect but you guys totally gave me the encouragement to write longer ones! Thanks a lot to fellow writers and readers like m-meichiri, Mordinette, Springwalker, KabiViolet, Chapaf, idontifihaveaname, Kurby and GalaxyWanderer and so many more. You rawks!

Garrus was a bundle of nerves when he went up to the cockpit. Among the human males on board the ship, he had mostly spoken to only Gardner, the mass hall sergeant; Donnelly, in engineering; Jacob Taylor in armory and Joker. And out of all of them, he could not think of anyone he could seek advice from. Going to Joker might be the biggest mistake of his life but Garrus Vakarian was a desperate Turian.

"Yo, Garrus!" Joker greeted him as he walked in. "Heard you and the Commander are now an item. Just so you know, Wrex wasn't the only one who saw it coming."

"News traveled fast," Garrus said. "EDI?"

"Mr. Moreau does not require my update regarding your developing relationship with Commander Shepard," EDI answered. 

"You've been spying on us, Joker?" Garrus asked.

"Woh, woh, birdman," Joker said. "You intend to trust what the talking volleyball said?"

"I have no reason to lie, Mr. Moreau," EDI said.

"So says Ceberbus number one house spy," Joker said.

"Joker," Garrus rolled out the name slowly.

"Hey, look," Joke surrendered. "I'm not a perv, ok? I'll never invade my friends' privacy...to that extend."

"I believe you," Garrus said. "But stay out of our quarters or you won't have any bones to break by the time I'm done with you."

"Hey, trust me birdman," Joker said. "So to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I need some help," Garrus said. "I think I am totally confused by this whole human female and dating thing. The extranet has way too much information. Everything contradicts each other. Bring her flowers.... Don't bring her flowers. Take her out.... Don't take her out. Bring alcohol.... Don't bring alcohol. Even the sex.... Even that is confusing. Some said that the females like it one way and then some say they don't. How the fuck am I supposed to get anything right with so much contradictions? And the positions! You guys have thousands of positions!"

"That has got to be an exaggeration right there," Joker said. "But, ok, let's be serious here. You asking me for advice? Seriously birdman, you've got to be joking."

"Who else can I go to?" Garrus sighed. "You've got to know something."

"Maybe you're looking for information at all the wrong places? Maybe, you need to narrow your search down," Joker said.

"How do I do that?" Garrus asked. "I've done the search narrowing till my head hurts."

"Maybe you should...," Joker stopped. "Ok, tell you what. I'm willing to let you borrow my precious collections of extra rare finds. This collection dates back way before human founded the Mass Relays. The vids are absolute classic. But I'm telling you, birdman, I'm warning you, you really can't believe everything you see, read or watch on the extranet or on the vids."

"Then how am I supposed to learn how to go about it?" Garrus asked. "I told Shepard I'll do research. I can't just walk in blind! I want our night together to be unforgettable. I want it to be something she loves instead of something she just go along with so as not to make me feel bad. I want to rock her world!"

"You know what Garrus," Joker didn't know if he should sigh with the Turian or laugh. "You're perhaps the first ever guy I know who runs around asking for advice on how to sleep with a woman. Don't you think that's a little too...I don't know...virgin like?"

Garrus' brow plates lifted, "I'm not a virgin, Joker. But with human females, I'm at a lost! It's not like I've been with one before!"

"Then you're a virgin," Joker said. "Ok, fine. I won't say that word again. You're saying that you've never touched an Asari? You're kidding!"

"I've never touched an Asari, Joker," Garrus said. "I'm not into them."

"You're kidding! Everyone's into the Asari! There's not a race in this universe who don't think the Asari attractive. They're like the default bang race."

"I'm not everyone then," Garrus shrugged.

"Maybe, if you had at least tried an Asari, you might not be having such problems now!" Joker laughed.

"Joker," Garrus warned.

"Maybe," EDI had been listening in on the conversation and finally decided to add her wisdom into it. "A female is a better choice for whom you could seek help from, Officer Vakarian."

"A female?" Both Garrus and Joker asked.

"Yes," EDI confirmed. "A female."

"What's a female got to do with this?" Joker asked. Garrus nodded. "We're talking about sex here." 

"And just please call me Garrus, EDI," Garrus said.

"Very well, Garrus," EDI said. "A female will be able to clear your doubts better than a male can. No amount of extranet information can be as accurate. Afterall, females know females better. More valuable information can be obtained in less amount of time."

Joker frowned in deep thought. Garrus looked from the pilot to the A.I. 

"I... I think she's right, Joker," he said slowly and thoughtfully.

"Well, I'll be damned," Joker said. "I never thought about that before."

"That is why, Mr. Moreau," EDI explained. "Your shore leaves are usually spent alone in your quarters with the latest issue of Fornax magazine."

"Shut up, A.I.. I swear Garrus," Joker said. "Someday I'll flush this thing out the system airlock."

"Well," Garrus said, "I'm glad she's here to enlighten me. Thank you, EDI."

"My pleasures, Garrus," EDI said. "If need be, I could help narrow your search for you as well. Would "human courtship ritual" plus "Turian", plus "Human", plus "sexual intercourse", plus "foreplay", minus "immoral", minus "fetishes" minus "foot" minus "fisting", plus "female human", plus "male"...."

"Okay, okay!" Garrus stopped her. "You lost me way back somewhere between "plus" and "minus"."

"I would be happy to repeat the search perimeters for you if you need," EDI said.

"It's fine, EDI," Garrus said. "Thanks for your help. I'll let you do the search and filter them for me then."

"So would "human courtship ritual" plus "Turian", plus "Human", plus "sexual intercourse", plus "foreplay", minus "immoral"...."

"You just go ahead," Garrus said. "There's no need to tell me your search perimeters."

"Very well, Garrus," EDI said. After about two seconds, EDI said, "The search has been completed. A total of one thousand, two hundred and seventy-four entries have been found. I have forwarded the results to your private terminal."

"That was quick," Joker said. "You sure you're going to trust this thing here? Might give you a super extranet virus or something."

"My program is ninety-nine point nine nine nine eight percent safe from all viruses. I've also took the liberty of filtering virus prone sites before forwarding it to Garrus' terminal."

"Hah!" Joker pointed. "There's still zero point zero zero zero two chance of infection! I'm telling you birdman, it's not to be trusted."

"I'll take my chances," Garrus said. "Right now, I'm going to go find myself a female to speak to."

"Who?" Joker asked. "Tali?"

"I don't think Tali would be the right person to ask, do you?"

"Yah," Joker said. "She'll most likely tell you to get a spray can of disinfectant and spray Shepard from head to toe before starting foreplay."

"Or," Garrus joked. "She'll tell me to pump myself with antibiotics and roll around the bed with Shepard, each wearing a giant condom!"

"Or," Joker continued, laughing. "She'll tell you to rub medi gel on each other!"

The two of them laughed before Garrus added, "That could actually be quite arousing."

"Hey, gotta give them some credits. They did reproduce somehow, even in suits."

"Oh now you just gross me out," Garrus winced.

"You two do know that the cockpit has no doors, right?" Shepard's voice came out of no where behind Garrus.

"Spirits!" Garrus jumped.

"Woh!" Joker jumped. "Gees, Commander! Why do you always have to sneak up on people!"

"I'm the Commander," Shepard said. "It's my job!"

"Jesus," Joker said.

"You two should be glad it was me and not Tali," Shepard said. "Or I'll be fishing your sorry asses back from the void of space."

"Actually," Garrus asked apprehensively. "How much did you hear?"

"Enough to know you two were totally making fun of Tali and her sex life," Shepard said. "Why?"

Garrus exchanged a thankful look with Joker, who also gave him a "lucky you" look.

"You two up to something?" Shepard asked.

"Nothing," Joker said. "Just hanging out, you know. Talking guy stuffs.

"Yah," Garrus agreed. "Totally."

"I don't know what you two are up to," Shepard said. "But it better not be something that will cause me a headache. I know it was the two of you who put Asari strength fastening glue in Alenko's hair gel back on the old Normandy that one time. Oh, the complains I heard for days after...."

"Did he ever found out it was us?" Garrus asked.

"Did you think I would risk my ship by telling him? You guys have any idea how precious his hair was to him? When I suggested he cut off the glued together parts, he almost took me out with biotics!"

"So what actually happened after?" Joker asked. "And for the record, it was Wrex who came up with the idea. We were just the accomplices."

"Wrex?" Shepard asked while Joker made the "surprised,surprised" face. "You're kidding me."

"Nope," Joker said.

"Wrex did came back with the glue after shore leave, Shepard," Garrus told her. "And he did have the intention to use it on Alenko. But it was Tali who came up with the suggestion on how it could be used. And although Joker and I sneaked in to replace the gel with the glue, it was Ashley who diverted Kaiden's attention and Wrex who entertained him while we did it. You've no idea how hard it was to get him away from his hair gel long enough to make the switch. That guy practically hugged the gel in his sleep."

"The whole damn team?" Shepard was amazed. "I don't believe it. Even Ashley?"

"Liara knew about it too," Joker said. "She even added some chemical from the med bay so the glue would change to the same transparency as the gel. She knew her chemical, that Asari."

"So now the truth comes out!" Shepard said.

"What happened after actually?" Joker asked again. "He was acting all normal."

"You won't believe it," Shepard said. "He told me to help him spread more of that glue on his hair! I was like "You're kidding me" and refused, so he did it himself!"

"No way!" Joker mouth dropped. 

"Seriously?" Garrus asked.

"Seriously," Shepard said, laughing. "He was walking around with glue hardened hair for god knows how long."

"Holy shit!" Joker said. "And no one could tell the difference!"

"That human is one hard to understand fellow," Garrus said. "Next time we see Wrex, he would laugh his belly open when we tell him that."

"Garrus," EDI said. "Your presence is required in the main battery. Legion and Samara are in there looking for you. I have told them you have been informed and will be there shortly."

"Thank you, EDI," Garrus said. "I'll see you two later then."

"Dinner. My quarters. After shift," Shepard said to him.

"I'll bring the food," Garrus said and headed off for the elevator.

"You two are sickening sweet," Joker made a face.

"Go break another thumb or something," Shepard said and walked away from the cockpit.

"That's verbal abuse!" Joker called out but Shepard brushed it off with a wave of her hand. "I call workplace abuse!" Joker shifted in his seat after he was left alone again with no one else but EDI. 

"I'm not talking to you," he said as he turned back to his controls.

"I have not initiated any conversation," EDI said.

"That's how you always do it," Joker said. "Every time I said I'm not talking, you start an argument."

"I have not started any argument," EDI said.

"Oh yeah? ...," Joker began recalling all the times EDI initiated arguments with him since she was installed as the ship's computer.


	10. Chapter 10

Tali found Shepard and Garrus sitting side by side in the mass hall when she went looking for the Turian. The two were whispering something to each other, and none of them had their hands above the table. Instead, both were squirming and twisting their bodies in the most awkward of manner. Tali moved closer to see what her two friends were doing.

"Shepard!" Garrus hissed. "Told you to stay off the waist!"

"This is what happens when you calibrates till you forgot dinner," Shepard hissed back. "Do the guns really need that much calibrating?"

"I'm doing more than calibrating!" Garrus had caught Shepard's hands and had them pinned down on the seats. Shepard was now the one squirming to get free. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to get Legion away from the cannons? Every opportunity he gets, he comes to the main battery! I have to creatively steer him out and away from the guns every time!"

"Legion can help," Shepard freed her hands out of his talons and smacked them. "Don't tell me you think he can't calibrate. He's an A.I., for crying out loud."

"Trust me, Shepard," Garrus said. "No one can do it better than me."

"Are you two playing handsie?" Tali said, joining them at the table.

"What "sie"?" Garrus asked.

"Handsie," Tali said. "It's a human expression meaning you two are flirting."

"That's footsie, Tali," Shepard corrected. "It's not playing "handsie". It's playing "footsie"."

"Footsie is when you use your feet," Tali corrected back. "You two were doing unspeakable things with your hands under the table. So it should be "handsie"."

"We were NOT doing unspeakable things under the table," Garrus said.

"Tell that to those watching," Tali said. "It sure looked unspeakable from where I was standing."

Shepard laughed but Garrus frowned, "Don't you have some garbage disposing unit to work on?" he asked Tali.

"I don't work on garbage disposing units, Garrus," Tali said calmly. "I'm not a sanitation engineer. Although if I were, I'll stuff your bosh'tet ass in to check if it is working before I work on it myself."

"Glad my ass can be of service," Garrus said without thinking.

"That would be another one of those things you said that ended up in some horrible place," Shepard said, smiling.

Tali started laughing really hard.

"I should just keep my mouth shut today," Garrus sighed.

"What're you doing here in the mass hall so late, Tali?" Shepard asked. "Don't tell me you forgot to eat dinner like he did."

"I was looking for Garrus actually," Tali said.

"For me?" Garrus asked.

"Did you guys hear?" Tali continued. "Jacob said that there might be a ghost in the armory?"

"A what?" Garrus said. "Turians don't believe in that kind of things. Spirits are a whole different thing."

"Tali," Shepard said, "Even if there were ghosts in this world, the Normandy is a new ship. It's hardly believable to say its haunted."

"That's what I thought," Tali replied. "But apparently, it's true. Even EDI has no idea."

"I did not say I have no idea, Tali," EDI's voice chimed. "I said it was a fleeting image that was not clear enough to determine its origin."

"In other words," Tali said, "You have no idea."

"When did you become so friendly with EDI?" Shepard asked.

"When YOU pushed two A.I.s in my face and made me work with them," Tali said.

"You guys caught a ghostly image in the armory?" Garrus asked. "And now you are thinking its a ghost?"

"Here, I brought it to show you, actually," Tali took out her data pad and showed it to the pair.

"Looks more like Kasumi to me," Garrus shrugged. "Most likely sneaking in there to ogle and gawk at Jacob's ass again."

"I'm right here, Garrus," Kasumi appeared out of thin air, seated next to Tali.

"Fuck!" Garrus was taken aback. "Stop doing that!"

"Keelah!" Tali screamed and instinctively hit Kasumi with a backhand sweep, which the thief easily avoided.

"That scared me more than your little stunt in the armory," Shepard said.

"That was not me," Kasumi said. "Come on guys, I've been here so long and you never even noticed. How could I've been so unprofessional like that?" She pointed at the image. 

"Well," Shepard said. "If it's not Kasumi, then it had to be Legion."

When the others just simply looked at her for further explanation, she continued,

"Legion is an infiltrator! Who else would be sneaking around? If it wasnt Kasumi, it's Legion."

"I told you that Geth was trouble," Tali said.

"Let's ask him," Garrus said. "EDI, is Legion in the A.I. Core?"

"Legion is with Justica Samara at the moment," EDI said.

"What's Legion doing with Samara?" Shepard asked.

"He's learning mediation," Garrus answered for EDI. Now the rest looked at him for an explanation. "Don't look at me. I knew about it earlier when they asked to see me."

"EDI," Shepard called out. "Can you tell Legion to come see us now?"

"Already done," EDI said.

\------------------------------------------------

Legion came walking like the Geth he was, behind Samara. His head panels were flapping and his head light was brighter than usual.

"Shepard," Samara greeted. "Tali, Garrus, Kasumi."

The three nodded back as Samara took a seat next to Tali. Legion remained standing. 

"Shepard-Commander," Legion greeted. "Garrus-Vakarian, Creator-Tali-Zora, Thief-Kasumi-Sato."

"How come I got the worst sounding title?" Kasumi asked.

"We do not comprehend," Legion said. "The title "thief" is held in high regards by you. Therefore we deemed it fit to call you by the title."

"Forget it," Kasumi said.

"So, Legion," Tali's voice was all business when she pointed at the data pad. "Was this you in the picture?"

Legion head panels flapped as he looked down at the data pad, "It was not."

"Liar!" Tali shouted. "You went into the armory, didn't you? You cloaked and went to sabotage Jacob!"

"We do not comprehend," Legion said. "Agent-Jacob-Taylor is a sentient being. Sentient beings has no wiring and therefore cannot be sabotaged. He can only be poisoned but we do not have the necessary ingredients to make a toxin strong enough to incite death."

Samara looked at the time stamp on the picture, "I regret to inform you that it is true. Not the toxin. That I have. I have with me sixty different toxins for different races and metabolic rates. I mean Legion was with me at the time stated in the picture."

"What the hell is Legion doing with you anyway?" Shepard asked. "Don't tell me he is really learning meditation."

"He is, in fact," Samara said. "And showing progress actually."

"But," Shepard looked at Legion. "Legion, you're a Geth unit. An A.I."

"We find learning... pleasant," Legion answered, but his head panels flapped downward.

"Ok, that's it," Shepard turned and glared at Garrus while addressing Legion. "Who put you up to it?"

"What are you looking at me for?" Garrus asked.

"Samara and Legion came looking for you earlier and the next thing I know he is with Samara learning meditation. A Geth, meditating? You did something, didn't you?"

"Garrus did suggested it to Legion." Samara answered. "Legion came to look for me asking if I could teach him meditation. When I asked him who taught him to ask, he told me Garrus did. I confirmed it with Garrus after. But I didn't know that Legion did not in fact enjoy learning it."

"We did not want to seem rude," Legion looked down. "We wrote a program to simulate a representation of an aftermath of mediating if Geth were to engage in the act. It involves brighter blinking head light and lighter footsteps after the process is over."

"Legion, it is fine if you do not enjoy it," Samara said. "You do not need to lie about it."

"We apologize. We did not want to offend," Legion said.

"I just got Legion to learn lying," Garrus said proudly.

"Garrus!" Shepard scolded.

"What? Legion asked if he could help. I figured it would be better that he had the chance to learn something new instead. See, he did learned something new!"

"So," Kasumi was curious. "What were you doing while you were pretending to meditate the whole time?"

"We were participating in an online Interactive Cross-Species Relationship Simulator named Fleet and Flotilla. According to the trailer, it was based on a best selling vid. We had a playtime of seventy-five hours and six minutes."

"Keelah!" Tali said. "I play that! What is your score?" 

"Player score: fifteen," Legion replied.

"You are hopeless!" Tali laughed. "You can't get a relationship with that kind of score! You need to be at least level three with a score of two hundred and fifty to get a relationship started! Seventy-two hours and you're still level one? You can't be serious!"

"We have been attempting to improve our gameplay," Legion said and if his slow flapping panels were of any indication, he was disappointed with his own scores too.

"We do not comprehend stimulated sentient relationships. We could not maintain simple conversation. We usually ended with the other party calling us "idiot" or "jerk" or "dork". We have not arrive at a consensus as to why it is so. We were called a "pin-like torch-head" once. We told the party involved it was quite an accurate description of our mobile platform, in which we were then told to "go to hell". When we debated the probability of a Geth mobile unit going to the underworld, we were reported as a "troll". We were suspended for thirty-two Citadel hour."

"I'd call you a troll if you start telling me probability in a virtual world that cared only about sexing each other up," Kasumi said quietly.

"We do not comprehend trolling," Legion said.

"It's like you infiltrating," Garrus said. "Only with words."

"We understand," Legion looked down. "We did not intentionally troll."

"Maybe," Tali said. "If I learned to trust you, I might show you how to do it right someday."

"We will be truly appreciative," Legion said. "Thank you, Creator-Tali-Zora."

"Don't thank me yet," Tali said. "I have not decided to trust you yet."

"That's a start," Shepard smiled.

"What?" Garrus retorted, pointing to Legion. "Teaching Legion to live an alter ego life and have online virtual sex is ok but lying isn't?"

"The game sounds intriguingly immoral," Samara said. "It's no wonder the Justicas are dying out. It is hard to bring justice to a virtual world."

"Why not?" Shepard said. "Just make an avatar, go in there with big virtual guns twitted and modded with specifications and blast the avatars to smithereens!"

"We can program and modify as well as design and build the guns to be used in game," Legion said. 

"See!" Shepard cheered.

"We can also come to a consensus on setting up a program to determine which avatars in game have been engaging in deceptive participation of immoral behaviors and/or victimizing other players."

"That would be like half the gaming population in there," Tali face palmed.

"That is a rather intriguing option," Samara said.

"I thought you don't intentionally troll, Legion," Kasumi laughed.

"We do not intentionally troll," Legion said. "We do not troll. Garrus-Vakarian said trolling is using words to infiltrate. We are not infiltrating. We merely brought the game to a higher level if we modified it. There are no restrictions on modifying the game. Therefore, we have reached a consensus that it can be done."

Garrus' mandibles flared and his jaws dropped.

"You wanted him to learn?" Shepard said quietly next to him. "He learnt that from you. I'm so not correcting him."

"There were no restrictions because the game was supposed to be a social networking game, not a third-person shooting game," Kasumi told Legion

"But a social sex-based game is rather boring and psychologically lopsided. Having a few guns blazing and hunting down ruffians would mean a lack of boredom for many in there when we do log in," Samara told Kasumi. 

"I have to agree," Kasumi answered. "Count me in when you guys do it. We can all go to Shepard's quarters with our data pads and troll the hell out of that game, legally. We can be the Fleet in Fleet and Flotilla!"

"Tell you guys what," Shepard clapped her hands together. "Let's go catch us a ghost. Then when that is done, we all set up accounts in that whatever simulating sex game Legion can't play, have Legion hack and mod some bad ass virtual weapons, go in there and blast off some virtual asses!"

"Keelah!" Tali shook her head. "Now I can never enter the game without thinking of you few going around trolling it."

"Not me," Garrus said. "Count me out.

"Not happening, Turian," Shepard said.

"You guys do know that we have real life Collectors to shoot at, don't you?" Garrus frowned at Shepard.

"Yes, Garrus," Samara said. "But going into a virtual world where people think their actions do not hold any accountability, and then punishing them and making them realize that they do, is just as satisfying as saving civilizations." 

"Tali," Garrus said. "Say something. Back me up here. You seriously don't want these four going into the game and trolling it, do you? Come on, helmet head."

"Actually, come to think of it," Tali said. "Let me make a new account when you guys do, I want to join in."

"What?" Garrus was surprised. "What the fuck, Tali?"

"I know a couple of players in there I'd like to blast their virtual asses off... and their virtual something else off too," there was menace in her voice.

"Spirits," Garrus sighed. "You females are vicious, no matter where you are."

"Not all females," Shepard shrugged. "I think you're one of those lucky males who meet only the vicious ones. The usual males don't get such pleasures."

"Spirits," Garrus said again. "Spirits. Spirits. Spirits."


	11. Chapter 11

The team was divided into two groups to do reconnaissance. Rather than running around banging on doors, Shepard wanted to spend some time looking for the person in question who had been running around the armory cloaked while not alerting the general population of the ship. Tali was a little disappointed no one believed it was a ghost but she was then again all excited when the team decided to catch who was responsible. Kasumi started calling her an adventure whore, at which Tali immediately slapped her hard on the shoulder. But then the two girls started giggling and laughing like high school girls would, which sent Garrus into a fit of head shaking.

With her intention cleared, Shepard divided the team up, ignoring the giggling duo. She and Garrus would take the top two decks which included Shepard's own quarters, the C.I.C, Mordin's lab and Jacob's armory. Samara, Kasumi and Tali would take the lower two decks where the crew deck, kitchen, forward battery as well and engineering were located. They had decided that once those few decks were secured, they would meet and cover the shutter and cargo bay because that area was simply too big and the entire group would do better covering it together.

Kasumi seemed to have then taken the initiative to be the leader of the first group. Tali and Samara dutifully followed her and took the elevator down to engineering to start from there. Although not giggling, Samara seemed to be enjoying herself watching the two younger ladies joking and having fun.

"Legion and I can write a program to enhance the reading of heat signatures on the ship," EDI said. "This can facilitate your search."

"Do it," Shepard ordered after the girls were gone. "But I want Legion with me just in case."

"This mobile unit is capable of computation while on the move," Legion explained. "We will work with EDI while assisting Shepard-Commander and Garrus-Vakarian."

"Do I have to come along?" Garrus asked. "I'm not done calibrating."

Garrus just didn't want to be involved in such childish activities. And Shepard knew it.

"Oh you're coming along all right," Shepard said. "You're stuck in that room all day and night except for missions. I don't even see you often. Take this as a date."

"This? Chasing shadows? A date?" Garrus laughed. "And you see me a lot, Shepard."

"No, not enough. And frankly, this beats having a girl needing to keep coming to you and asking for your time," Shepard said. "Makes me feel like you are always playing hard to get."

"That's not true, Shepard," Garrus said. "But me coming to you would mean either I horde you in the C.I.C, in which case a lot of people will see us flirting, or chase you around the ship while you do your rounds and play counselor, or keep budging into you quarters at all hours while you have an open door policy. What would people think?

"You can always come to my quarters after hours," Shepard said seductively.

"I do always come to your quarters after hours," Garrus said. "We have dinner there almost every night since I came on board."

"Well, you don't ever stay long enough," Shepard complained.

"If I do," Garrus explained. "There won't be any last shot to savor."

"I won't complain," Shepard said.

"I won't either," Garrus said. "But you're special, and so I want everything right for it."

"I'm special, huh?" Shepard smiled, stepping closer.

"You've no idea," Garrus smiled too, pulling her closer for a hug.

"Sounds to me like we are doing more than just relieving tension together if it's so special that we are waiting," Shepard whispered.

"The great Commander Shepard is worth way too much to be seen as something just for relieving tension," Garrus said. "You don't think that is so?"

"Ok, you make sense there," Shepard said, hugging Garrus' waist with one hand and lightly stroking his bandaged mandible with the other. Even with his armor between them, Shepard knew all the right places to touch him. Garrus involuntary started purring a little under his breath.

"But you're still not getting away from this date," Shepard said.

"So if this is a date, what does that make Legion?" Garrus asked, smiling and pointing to the Geth.

"A pumpkin carriage?" Shepard said.

The two amused themselves sniggering and rocking slightly back and forth while still locked in a hug. Garrus was purring and Shepard was smiling widely.

"A chaperone," Legion's sudden voice brought them back to the present. They both looked at him. "An adult human escort of older age who accompanied or supervise young unmarried adult human male and female out on social occasions to prevent inappropriate social and sexual interaction. Mostly popular during the late seventeen hundreds in Western parts of the Earth. Please step away and refrain from clinging and clasping and floundering...."

"You wish," Garrus and Shepard interrupted Legion at the same time but let go of each other. Shepard laughed while Garrus walked toward the elevator and pressed the up button, himself chuckling.

"Come on, you pumpkin chaperone," Shepard pulled Legion along. "Let's go find us a ghost. And no violence. I bet my own ship if there are ghosts in here, its one of our own running around cloaked."

Legion flapped his head panels gladdeningly.

\------------------------------------------------

EDI and Legion's heat sensor worked only to a certain degree. It showed the heat signature of living beings on the ship but not who it could be. And because the two A.I.s were the ones that programmed it, only the two could read it. EDI took upon herself to guide the three ladies in engineering while Legion gave Garrus and Shepard his read outs.

"We are reading two heat signatures on this deck," Legion said when Shepard asked for a read out.

"There are two of them here?" Shepard suddenly saw the need to whisper. "I thought there were only one ghost running around."

"Two heat signatures are recorded at the moment," Legion said.

Garrus sighed. The elevator door was still opened. He walked back into it and asked, "Now, how many heat signatures do you register on the deck?"

"We register one heat signature on the deck and one in the elevator," Legion said.

Garrus shrugged and looked extremely self gratified when Shepard gave him a dirty look.

"Well, I could have gotten that too, given a few more seconds," Shepard said.

"Sure you would," Garrus said. "Since you're not so engrossed in hunting for ghosts."

Shepard narrowed her eyes but ignored Garrus. Instead she said, "Legion, next time tell us the data without putting the two of us in, ok?"

"We understand," Legion said. "We do not detect any heat signature aside of the two from Shepard-Commander and Garrus-Vakarian."

"Good boy," Shepard said. "Since my quarters is cleared, I'd say we go snoop around the C.I.C now."

"Why don't we just go straight to the armory?" Garrus asked, still standing in the elevator. "Since that was where the 'sighting' was."

"Let's do that," Shepard said and pushed Garrus farther back into the the elevator. "Out of my way, Vakarian." And she pushed the button.

"You're a little tyrant today," Garrus said.

"You just played smartass with me," Shepard said, shaking her finger. "That was for it."

Shepard commed Tali in the elevator as they were headed down.

"How is it going on your end, Tali," she asked. "My quarters is cleared. Heading to the armory now."

"No paranormal activity reported in Grunt or Zaeed's rooms," Tali reported in a hush but crisp tone. "We are approaching Jack's hideout. It looks dark down there. The stairs are lighted but the place below is both dim and eerie. We are ready for anything that may sneak up on us and attack us when we least suspect it. We regret not having brought an EMF scanner. Chances of detecting paranormal activity are now lowered."

Garrus rolled his eyes while Shepard shook her head. Legion's head panels were flapping inquisitively.

"The team has descended to Jack's accommodation," Tali continued. "The place is cold. Could this particular spot, being so cold, be the so called "cold spot" in a paranormal activity? No strange noises such as thumping were heard yet. Will we see moving objects levitating here? Or phantom lights ..."

"What the fuck are you three doing here," from the comm, Shepard heard Jack said.

"Talk later," Tali said chirpingly and switched the comm off.

"And she was getting to the fun part," Garrus said. "They just met the paranormal activity named Jack."

"Next time I comm them," Shepard said. "Remind me to comm a more rational one like Samara."

"Consider that done," Garrus nodded.

\------------------------------------------------

No one was in the armory. But something was not right. Garrus could feel it. Shepard could feel it.

"Shepard-Commander, Garrus-Vakarian, something is not right," even Legion could feel it.

The room was inexplicably cold.

"I'm getting goosebumps," Shepard said. "The hair on the back of my neck just stood up for no discernible reason."

"We are being watched," Legion said matter-of-factly.

"Maybe it is haunted," Shepard said.

"Haunted, my ass," Garrus said.

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. Arthur Conan Doyle. Profession, Writer. Nationality, British. Born, May twenty second, eighteen fifity-nine. Died: July seventh, nineteen thirty," Legion quoted.

"What is the truth," Garrus said. "Is that the air condition is turned way too low. Improbable, indeed. Idiots."

He went to the corner where the air condition reading device was and tapped on it.

"EDI," Garrus said. "Can you regulate the room temperature to normal, please."

"I will do it immediate...," before EDI could finish, the three of them heard a muffled sound that sounded like a "no".

All three, including Legion, jumped. Although instead of actual jumping, Legion's head panels simply opened wide. He was as shocked as the two sentient beings he was working with. Totally and absolutely Geth shocked.

Something moved in Shepard's peripheral vision. Instinct horned by years of military training and perfected by the countless times of living dangerous, cut-throat lives that borderlined on insanity when it came to the odds of survival, took over. The killing machine that was Shepard took over the lazing around and looking for an adventure Shepard. A turn and a front kick from the right leg threw whatever was moving backward. Three round-house kicks followed instantly after, all targeting the weakest part of most races, the shins. It was at the second kick that Shepard saw her intended victim. A figure under a white sheet.

What the hell, Shepard thought. Who would be so dumb as to play Casper the friendly ghost right now.

The figure was wavering and slipping toward her.

"Shepard!" Garrus shouted.

Before she could stop herself, she had given it an overhand jab followed by a jump and a hook knee that struck the head. The figure fell backward as its head impacted from her knee.

"Stop!" Garrus' words came a second too late.

"Ops," Shepard said as she ran forward toward the figure.

"I thought you said no violence!" Garrus was moving at incredible speed toward the figure too.

"Move aside," Mordin's voice came out of nowhere. "Move aside."

"What the fuck, Mordin!" Garrus shouted. "You were the one?"

Mordin uncloaked himself and pulled the sheets off the figure.

"Yes," he said. "Created new cloaking device. An experiment. Trying it out. Teaching Grunt. Was supposed to cloak and find each other. Jacob here thought ghost at first. Explained myself. Thought was funny. Lowered room temperature, got sheets from laundry room. Fooling around. Was out of room for a while. Came back to check and see if Grunt had walked in. Couldn't find him. Saw this. Who attacked Jacob?"

"Ops," Shepard said again.

"Unconscious. Sustain concussion when fell, maybe," Mordin said. "Take him to science lab. Will check on him there. If need be, send to med bay."

Garrus and Legion helped Mordin lifted the unconscious Jacob. Shepard pulled Mordin back when he tried to follow.

"This was your fault," Shepard said. "What the hell were you doing with cloaking devices?"

"Grunt wanted to learn. How to cloak. How to make cloak. Taught him. Testing it. Supposed to find each other. Time limit, one hour a day. Yesterday, found him. Today not found yet."

Mordin turned and walked off not hearing Shepard cursing and swearing under her breath while she followed him to the lab.

"EDI," Shepard said, entering Mordin's lab after she had exhausted her vocabulary of curse words. "Tell Samara and the rest they are looking for Grunt, cloaked."

"Samara has already caught him in engineering," EDI said. "Patching you through now."

Because Mordin had taken over checking up on the unconscious Jacob and Legion was standing next to him assisting, Garrus came back to stand next to Shepard just before EDI patched her over to Samara and the rest of the team.

"How did they catch him?" he asked.

"Samara, Kasumi and Tali caught Grunt with a net," EDI said.

"EDI's right," Kasumi said. "We caught a big Krogan fish today."

"Let me go!" Grunt's voice came over the comm. They could hear him huffing and puffing and cursing. "I am pure Krogan! I demand a rematch!"

"What? Where did you three get a net?" Shepard asked.

"A Justica travels alone and so, needs to be prepared for all situations," Samara said over the comm. "A net is one of the preparation."

"How the hell do you keep a fish net in that suit?" Shepard asked.

"We have ways," Samara said.

"A Justica wraps a retractable netting around her waist and has the lining and controls for the retraction extend to her inner thighs as a form of corset," Legion explained. "The netting can extend to six meters by four meters wide, which could be used for fishing as well."

"She keeps a what in her where?" Garrus asked.

\------------------------------------------------

No doubt, Grunt and Mordin were interrogated in Shepard's quarters for using the cloaks. Only then did they know a third party was involved and still cloaked somewhere on the ship.

Mordin blinked and shook his head. He too, had no idea.

"Impressive. Krogan smart enough to replicate my cloak design," was all he said.

"I am pure Krogan," Grunt said. "I might act like a brut but that doesn't mean I don't have brains."

Grunt refused to give up the third party involved in their little cloaking game. Scolding did not work. Coxing did not work either. Not even tempting him with chocolate chip and vanilla ice cream worked. Finally, Shepard got tired and showed him who really was the boss,

"You're grounded!" she jumped up and shouted. "No Collector base for you!"

"You can't do that!" Grunt shouted back.

"Watch me, Krogan!" Shepard shouted right back.

"It's your hamster," Grunt finally said. "I made a small cloaking device for him. Stripped it on. He was somewhere in Tali's room and I was going to get him when I was caught by the Justica."

"What the fuck, Grunt! Why did you cloak my hamster!" Shepard whacked the Krogan with the net she was holding. This prompted Samara to gently take the net off Shepard's hands.

"He needed playtime and a break from always being in the cage," Grunt explained.

"I don't even know what to say," Garrus shook his head.

Grunt looked down in his hands and played with his fingers. If Krogan could pout, he would be pouting now.

"We need to find my hamster," Shepard was clearly upset. "After that, I'm so gonna kick both your asses."

"Didn't cloak hamster," Mordin said. "Experiment was legitimate."

\------------------------------------------------

In the dead of the night when most of the day crew were in dreamland and where the med bay was empty except the now sedated Jacob Taylor, who was recovering from a cracked rib and shin as well as a slight concussion due to the trauma sustained when he was attacked by Commander Shepard, a cloaked figure entered. With gloved hands, the figure uncapped a tube of white paste. Slowly, steadily, and quietly, the cloaked figure applied some cream over Jacob Taylor's face, recapped the tube, and as quickly and quietly as it had came in, it left.

\------------------------------------------------

"So, how are our three resistant "ghosts"?" Garrus asked when Shepard came into the main battery the next afternoon.

"One is totally back in its cage, one is totally grounded until when we hit the Collector base and the last one is totally unrepentant," Shepard said as she squeezed herself between him and the console. Garrus placed one talon across her waist while he continued to punch in some new sequence on the console.

"That last one fits Mordin to a T," Garrus laughed. "Guess what too, Shepard. I just visited Jacob at the med bay. Doctor Chakwas was furious and Jacob was beyond consoling. You have nothing to do with that, did you?"

"Oh wow," Shepard said. "What happened?"

"Apparently, someone sneaked into the med bay yesterday night, cloaked," Garrus said. "That same person totally shaved off Jacob's brows. And when the good doctor went into her med bay this morning, she got a big surprised alright. She was cursing and swearing when I went in just now."

"Oh wow," Shepard said.

"You know, Shepard," Garrus said. "By now you should be jumping around gunning to find out who was responsible for the prank."

"Really?" Shepard asked.

"Really," Garrus answered.

"What're you saying than, Vakarian?" even though her back was to him, Garrus knew she was smiling.

"I'm saying, I doubt it was Mordin who did it. Your hamster is way too small and too innocent to do such evil things. And I bet its tiny cloaking device is now in your hands. I know Grunt's cloaking device has already been confiscated now that he is grounded."

"You saying it was me?" Shepard gasped.

"I'd say it was you," Garrus said. "No use covering it up from me, Shepard"

"I don't cover up," Shepard said, still smiling. "But if I did shaved his brows, there must have been a very good reason for why I would want to do it."

"If you did shave off his brows," Garrus said. "I'd say you are evil, but not till I know why."

"How about all those times he made me feel like a piece of cheap ass?" Shepard said, though not angrily. "Then how about finding out that what he was making me feel was not just my own unwarranted feelings or misjudgment? That he really thought I was "an inferior" catch?"

"He said that?" Garrus frowned. His breathing increased.

"He didn't exactly said that," Shepard said. "And it wasn't a shave. I used hair removal cream. So don't play detective on me by changing the facts and waiting for me to slip my tongue."

"Aren't you the clever girl," Garrus smiled. "So tell me, what did Jacob do that made you do such sneaky things?"

"He said Miranda deserved a better man than he, and then turned around and gave me all sorts of mixed signals. Everything I said, he took it as if I was coming on to him. Then when I said nothing, he started acting like I had hurt his feelings by coming on to him and leaving him hanging. I think he is a little unstable. He sneaked into my room once and when I asked why he was there, he called me a "prize"."

"Or rather," Shepard continued. "He said it was a heavy risk (sneaking into my room that was, even though I have a fucking open door policy) and that he said, "but the priiizeee....". I wanted to slug him over the head right there but I didn't."

"Why didn't you?" Garrus asked.

"Because I thought he was maybe, you know, a little off? Like his dad? But not that off, you get me?"

"So why did you go and removed his brows?"

"He gave me a last straw a few days back, that was what."

"What did he do?"

"He called you a cutterbone," Shepard said. "Making me feel uncomfortable, that was one thing. Calling you names, no way. He had it coming, Garrus."

"That was evil. A necessary evil, maybe, but still evil."

"No one says Commander Fucking Shepard can't be a sneaky bitch," Shepard said. "Actually, I kind of feel bad now that I've done it. Should I? Feel bad, I mean. It was really a impulse prank. I'd say someday I would shave his brows off to myself lots of times...."

"Remind me to not get on your bad side, Shepard," Garrus shook his head but smiled.

"I am not that bad," Shepard said. "Maybe I should buy him some super dark, waterproof eye brow pencils.... Yeah, I'll go ask Miranda where she got her pencils now. Maybe she has a spare I can buy it off her."

"You're almost as much a psychopath as Jack is," Garrus said. "Good that I definitely find you more superior in all other areas. More superior than all other females actually."

"That is why, Garrus Vakarian," Shepard smiled. "You're always my number one choice too. No one else can take my brand of crazy."

"I wouldn't say that," Garrus took his other arm off the console and tightened his hug around Shepard with both arms. "Wrex, Grunt and Mordin have their own brand of crazy. Give Tali a few years and she will act just like you. And then we have Legion."

"Legion?" Shepard asked.

"Legion," Garrus answered. "Stand aside, Conrad Verner, we have a new Shepard Number One Fan and this one can actually shoot... and doesn't need to use the bathroom."


	12. Chapter 12

Shepard sat and stared at her console wondering if she should tell EDI. EDI had suggested that it could be hours before the Normandy was ready to go through the Omega Four Mass Relay and had indicated that Shepard bring the ground team with her the next time they went on shore. A rather stupid thing to do, according to Shepard. First of all, cramping into a shutter with twelve other people was never a good idea. If the shutter was built for that many people, why the heck would they insist on only having three ground team each mission? So, they were to bring both the shutters. Another terrible suggestion. Taking away the only other shutter which could serve as an emergency vehicle for the rest of the ship? Six in one and seven in another? That still was totally debunking all her training to bringing only two crew a time. And if she was bringing all of her ground team the next trip, why the hell couldn't she take them all and get the mission done in under five minutes instead of taking only two while the rest waited in the shutter?

"EDI," Shepard said. "With all due respect, that was the stupidest of all stupid suggestions I have ever gotten. I thought better of you."

"It is a protocol as given by Ceberbus, Shepard," EDI said.

"Tell me you think that was a good suggestion?" Shepard asked.

"My program does not require me to think if it is a good suggestion or not," EDI answered. "I merely need to inform you of the usual protocol."

"I didn't ask about your programming," Shepard said. "I asked what do YOU think. Come on EDI, I've known you long enough to know you are not just any A.I.."

"I am not suppose to have a personal view on any of the Cerberus protocols or ideals. My job is to monitor the ship and its crew."

"I know, I know," Shepard brush her words away. "Whatever. Just tell me what you really think."

"I think it is a stupid, obsolete, ill-advised and senseless protocol," EDI said.

"Bingo!" Shepard smiled. "Who the hell came up with such protocols anyway?"

"The Illusive man did," EDI answered.

"What an idiot then," Shepard said. "Great example of the good old fashion micro-management. So can we skip that and do things our usual way?"

"I'm afraid not, Shepard," EDI said. "However, I can suggest you take the ground team to Omega's Afterlife for your next mission. Since it is a mission, all expanses will be paid by Cerberus."

"Great idea," Shepard said. "While we are at it, can you secure an apartment for... oh I don't know... maybe a decade or so with Cerberus money, in the Citadel? Preferably somewhere in the Presidium overlooking waters?"

"I am afraid I cannot misappropriate Cerberus' fund to secure an apartment in the Citadel," EDI said.

"Was worth a try," Shepard said.

"However, I can secure an apartment in Palaven because it has no Cerberus presence there and the routing of funds is harder to trace," EDI said. "Should I proceed to buy one in the better part of the city closest to Garrus' hometown and overlooking a river now?"

"Have I told you I love you, EDI?" Shepard smiled grew wider.

"You have not," EDI replied.

"Well then, I love you, EDI."

"You are welcome, Shepard," EDI said. "Now, I will have to remind you, you have unfinished business to attend to."

"I hate you, EDI," Shepard said. "But I still prefer you telling me what I have to do than Kelly Chambers."

"You are welcome, Shepard."  
\------------------------------------------------  
Shepard sat and stared at her console again. This time, she was not wondering. She was furious. It happened the first time she read the letter, it was happening again the second time she read it.

She started typing her answer:  
\------------------------------------------------  
Alenko,

Are you seriously dumb? Did you just wrote to me and tell me "oh you died so I dated another woman, but now you're back, I am ditching her while I think about it"?

What kind of man are you?! Wait, are you still a man?

That was the most irresponsible and childish thing anyone had ever said! Are you even of age?!  
\------------------------------------------------  
Shepard pressed the "back" key and watched her words deleted away.

She did not want to sound like she was angry. She thought for a bit, than started writing again:  
\------------------------------------------------  
Dear Alenko,

I understand your confusion. I understand it had been hard for you the past two years...  
\------------------------------------------------  
Shepard deleted those words. Fuck it. Who was she kidding? She did not understand Alenko's confusion because he did not seemed to be confused. Stubborn, yes. Angry, yes. Ignorant, yes. Confused? No.

"EDI," Shepard said. "Do you understand men?"

"Humans are from the family Hominidae, also known as Homo sapiens..."

"I don't mean humans," Shepard said. "I mean men. I don't think I ever understood men. Or ever will."

"I do not understand," EDI said.

"Me either," Shepard said. "You think Legion is going to grow up like a man?"

"Legion is technically a "grown" Geth," EDI said.

"He is still a boy though," Shepard said. "Young and innocent... Geth mode. He plays video games, you know?"

"Yes, Shepard," EDI said. "I know. Although he does not play every game he bought or downloaded. He bought Geth Attack: Eden Prime Fundraising Edition with the Ultra Platinum donation three months before you woke up, same time the game's edition was released."

"Oh?" Shepard said.

"He never played it," EDI said. "I asked him why. He told me he bought the edition as a donation to the victims in the attack."

"The most expansive edition, huh? as a donation? See EDI, that is what I call having a heart. Alenko might be human but his heart can only accommodate one person- himself. Legion sounds like a better choice to date that Alenko, that's for sure."

She looked down and started typing again:  
\------------------------------------------------  
Look Alenko,

I have Reapers to destroy and Collectors to kill. My plates are full. I really do not have the time to play "read between Alenko lines". You are a solider. You are supposed to know straight forward! Even Legion is a better man than you are, you selfish prick! And Legion is not even a man!  
\------------------------------------------------  
Delete.

"EDI," Shepard called out. "Where the hell is Garrus? I am hungry."

"Garrus is currently in the mass hall," EDI replied.

"Oh great," Shepard said. "That means he'll be up with dinner soon."

She started tying again, this time in better mood.  
\------------------------------------------------  
Dear Kaiden,

I would appreciate it a lot if you tell me when you are being serious and when you are dancing around a topic.  
\------------------------------------------------  
Delete ...

Writing this was harder than what Shepard had thought. She had no idea how to do it at all. It was not about thinking if the letter would hurt Kaiden Alenko's feelings. She did not care. If he thought that by telling her about his dates was his way of being honest and just wanting to let her know how hard he was having it the two years she was gone, he did not understand what Freudian Slip was at all. This had gone beyond always leaving a way out. Even if he enunciated every word he had written with the deepest emotions he could master, his letter was more about hoarding than it was about loving. Or rather, hoarding and keeping her on the side just in case he decided that she was good enough once again for him. And he was not just doing it to her but to the doctor, whom he was seeing, and who was "nothing serious". Shepard found that repulsive. She did not like the hidden motivations in the letter. In one letter, he had basically told her he was shelving two women for future use, just in case. That defined a jerk. And on top of that, she did not like that he had written it so self righteously to the point he thought he was being honest and forthright.

"At least I was honest enough to say I didn't remember sleeping with him," Shepard said to herself. "Kind of..."

She leaned forward and started writing again:  
\------------------------------------------------  
Dear Alenko,

Can you just forget about me and really move on already? I am ok. I would actually like that. We were never meant to be. Even our personalities do not really match. We would never get along. I might end up constricting your windpipe with your Calvin Klein underwear, choking and suffocating the life out of you. God knows I really want to sometimes. Come to think of it, see, you wear branded undies. I wear cotton standard issues. Even our undies do not get along.  
\------------------------------------------------  
Well, that totally sucked. Shepard deleted that as well. She tried to concentrate on writing but her mind started to drift away. Did Garrus wear underwear? She never actually saw a Turian underwear store in the Citadel. She wondered if he did and what kind he wore if he really did. Did Turian women wear anything remotely looking like a bra? Shepard pulled the front of her shirt's neckline away from her and glanced down. Would Garrus know how to take that thing between her flesh and her shirt apart?

Shepard stared at her bra for a while longer before moving her eyes back to the screen.

And she still came up with nothing.

She minimized the mail box and looked into her chat mail instead. Someone she enjoyed talking to was online. She tabbed connect and waited for the person on the other end to pick up. When he did, the first thing she saw was his usual smirk looking back at her image on the screen.

"Wrex!" Shepard greeted.

"Shepard," Wrex said.

"Wrex!" Shepard smiled.

"Shepard," Wrex said, smirking still.

"Help me!" Shepard begged. "Answer this letter for me!"

She attached the file "About Horizon" to the vid call.

Wrex downloaded the copy and started skimming through it.

"Wrex," Shepard said.

"Shepard," Wrex said without looking up from his reading.

"Wrex," Shepard said again. "Is that Krogan reading glasses you're wearing?"

Indeed, the Battlemaster was spotting a pair of large, round eye rim shaped glasses with the lugs being double wide and the split centre joints curved into a C-shape to accommodate his large nose bridge.

"Shut up, Shepard, I'm reading."

"I never knew Krogans have glasses," Shepard said. "You look wise. You look like the Krogan version of an eighteen century English gentleman. All you're missing now is a top hat."

"I said shut up, Shepard," Wrex said.

"I don't know how to answer this letter," Shepard said. "It bugs the hell out of me to not answer yet I could never write it the way I wanted to say it."

When Wrex did not look up from his data pad, Shepard went on,

"Why are you wearing glasses? When did you become shortsighted? Were you shortsighted before?"

There was still no answer and his face was still turned down.

"Did you wear lens? Why didn't you just go get your sight fixed? It's a simple enough procedure, you know? What do you think? Answer the letter for me? And oh, I know about your glue prank. You masterminded the hair gel switch saga."

Shepard watched Wrex read for another minute.

"Garrus is supposed to be up with our dinner. I am hungry. And Alenko, he was nuts on Horizon. I kind of played a prank on him that day. Wonder why he never mentioned it. You know, you should come with..."

"Shepard!" Wrex finally looked up. "Shut up! Now I've to read this nonsense all over again!"

"Sorry," Shepard said. "I'm hungry."

And kept quiet, twiddling her thumbs.

"How's the Turian?" Wrex finally said. "You two at it yet? An item yet?"

"An item, yes. At it, no. Turian..., I think he is trying to ditch my Yeoman without success. I ditched her easy. Just fed her some fiber optics thingy and she never looked at me that flirtatious way again. Now her hands are all over Garrus, I think... It's ok, Wrex. Don't look like you want to stick a knife into him. He runs faster than lighting when he sees her coming."

"Not much of a competition then?" Wrex laughed.

"Not remotely much," Shepard answered. "I'll let him get rid of her himself."

"You know I can just get a couple of my guys and beat the crap out of him, right?" Wrex asked, lifting up his data pad to indicate he had changed the subject.

"You know he is L2 biotic, don't you?" Shepard asked back.

"I know about a dozen Krogan I have who can handle ten of him," Wrex answered. "But you won't let me because you aren't badass enough. That is why you're even trying to answer this nonsense."

"What do you suggest then?" Shepard questioned.

"Just tell him you and the Turian are doing the nasty and you're happy," Wrex said.

"That's not how it works, Wrex," Shepard said. "I'll never go around telling other people that."

"Not the first time I heard humans telling stories of their breeding conquests."

"Not the same," Shepard said. "They talked about conquests. Serious relationships, those never leave the bedroom."

"So," Wrex smirked again. "The Turian, he is a special one, huh?"

"You tell me," Shepard lifted her brow. "You taught him a lot lately."

Wrex laughed and took off his glasses.

"I've never seen you wear those," Shepard pointed.

"Those are reading glasses, Shepard."

"Never seen them before."

"Never read on the Normandy before, Shepard."

"Oh, right," Shepard said. "Now I know why it was so hard to get you to read or write reports."

"I must be an idiot to help you write them," Wrex said. "Only your special Turian would do such a dumb thing to impress you. Anyway, answer is no."

"No?" Shepard asked.

"No," Wrex said. "Not helping you write the letter. Although I would love to postscript it. Like make a promise I would cut his kidney out and fry it in front of him before feeding it to a varren."

"Suggestions?" Shepard asked. "Come on Wrex, you're the wise, experienced Krogan who had seen it all and done it all. Please?"

"You really don't give up, do you?" Wrex shook his head. Shepard smiled and nodded hers. "I don't know, get someone who is free enough, straight enough, naive enough, yet smart enough to do it. Let that person give him everything and yet nothing."

Shepard half closed her eyes in contemplation. After a while, she suddenly sat up straighter and said,

"Wrex!"

"Shepard."

"Wrex!" Shepard said again, "you are a genius!"

"Not the first time someone told me that," he said.

"Great!" Shepard said. "Now I know the perfect person to answer this letter for me! I can totally free myself from this burden! And I am starved!"

Just as she finished speaking, the door to her cabin opened and a Turian with two trays in hand and some napkins dangling in his mouth appeared at the other end.

"Shepard," Garrus muffled his greeting from under the napkins as he came entering the room with his and her dinner. "Got dinner."

"Oh god!" Shepard jumped onto his back. "You've no idea how glad I'm to see you!"

"Watch the dinners," Garrus almost stumbled. "Watch the dinners."

They could heard Wrex's laughter before he cut off the feed and allowed the two some private time together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have not been editing my chapters so expect grammar mistakes. God knows I am good in making them... Won't be editing the chapters till my busy period is over. My busy period and that asthmatic cough that came after the viral flu died. Sigh.... And oh, for the reply to Alenko's letter, it's in Horizon, The Confrontation and Beyond.


	13. Chapter 13

Kelly Chambers kept stealing looks at the Commander but did not say anything. After half a morning of not responding to her looking that way, curiosity finally got the better of Shepard. She turned fully to her Yeoman and glared, though non-maliciously, at her.

"You know I can see you doing that, don't you, Kelly?" Shepard asked.

"Commander...," the Yeoman clearly was embarrassed.

"What is it, Kelly?" Shepard said. "Just tell me. You know by now I hate it when people are wishy washy."

"You came for us," Kelly said gratefully. "I know you would. Thank you. A thousand times, thank you."

"It's my job, Kelly," Shepard said. "No one left behind on my ship. How're you doing?"

"I'm holding up," Kelly said. "Can't kick the memories out of my head.... Trapped... Suffocating... It's oozing into every pore.... Faint sobs echoing in the confined space.... But I... I can't dwell on it. I'm okay now. I'm alive. Back to the old Kelly...."

"Kelly," Shepard sighed. "Are you part Drell?"

"What?" Kelly asked.

"I said, are you part Drell?" Shepard asked again. "Because you just did a eidetic memory thing on me. And I was waiting for your eyes to bulge out of their sockets, actually."

"I...," Kelly looked down.

"Look, Kelly," Shepard said. "I understand no one has come out of the Collector base unscarred. But seriously? You signed on knowing it's a suicide mission. And you, you yourself is a bloody psychologist. You, of all people should know better than all others about the risks and the "could be death" result. You, of all people should be the best prepared. You said it yourself everyone knew how risky the mission was. Yet, the one with the most psychological trauma sustained out of all these is you?"

"I understand, Commander," Kelly said. "But you won't get it."

"Kelly, just because I'm a solider doesn't mean I don't know psychology," Shepard said. "What you just did, if you were not a full or part Drell - that was termed flashbulb memory."

"When someone recalls an event which is very shocking and dramatic, that kind of detailed, accurate, vivid, and resistant to forgetting thingy comes out automatically when they are reliving it," Shepard told her Yeoman. "I know. I've seen enough to know."

"And because I am sure Thane did not just transfer his eidetic memory to you, not even if you slept with him. And I am sure you are not part Drell," Shepard continued. "You are showing signs of PTSD, Kelly."

"I...," Kelly said.

"Kelly, be frank with me. How much psychology do you really know?"

"I... I took a course in the community college," the truth finally came out.

"And who did you sleep with to get a job with Cerberus?"

Before Kelly could answer, Shepard put a hand up to stop her.

"Let me guess," Shepard said. "The Illusive Man?"

"Actually," the Yeoman answered. "I slept with his son."

"The Illusive Man has a son?" Shepard was shocked. "Someone actually didn't mind marrying him?"

"Well, I don't know if he is married," Kelly said. "I only know he does have at least one son."

"So what else did you do?" Shepard asked.

"Well," Kelly said. "I dated his son. That was about it."

"How long?" Shepard asked.

"Few weeks," Kelly said.

"What happened?" this was getting good. "Spill."

"I ...er I think I accidentally caused him to shoot his fiancé in the knee. We will at a shooting range fooling around when she came running in.... She was not supposed to be there. She was an adventurer. You know? Those tv series where people go on adventures and introduce the different planets? I tried for a spot too but didn't get the part. That was how I met him. She was a host in one of the shows."

"So, you accidentally caused the Illusive Man's son to shoot his fiancé in the knee with a gun?"

"It was a bow and arrow, actually," Kelly said. "He was showing me one of his father's collection of ancient bows and arrows from Earth. I was holding the bow and he was teaching me how to shoot, you know, from behind? he was pulling the arrow back... and... she came in. Well, I was holding the bow, we both turned at the sound, I had the bow a little lowered when he saw her and the shock of seeing her caused him to let go and well, the arrow kind of went through her knee...."

"Ok... So she was an adventurer like you, until she took an arrow to the knee, huh?" Shepard laughed. "What else?"

"I kinda... broke the bow," Kelly said. "But the Illusive Man was very nice. He wasn't upset. He even hired me when he learned I was looking for a job and told me I was to be part of the crew for the great Commander Shepard!"

Kelly was genuinely happy about that. Shepard shook her head slowly.

"Kelly," Shepard said. "You are a real pain in the ass to watch because you're such a desperate, promiscuous xenophile. But I don't exactly dislike you. So I'm going to tell you bluntly. Now I know finally what you meant by you being 'handpicked' by the Illusive Man. You've been had, girl."

Kelly looked confused.

"You've been had bad," Shepard said as she head to the elevator.

\------------------------------------------------

For the first time since Garrus came onboard the new Normandy, Shepard did not find him calibrating in the main battery. As a matter of fact, Garrus was no where near the main battery or the mass hall. This new turn in his behavior perplexed Shepard.

"EDI," Shepard asked. "Where is that Vakarian?"

"Garrus is in the A.I. Core with Legion," EDI answered.

"This is new," Shepard said. "Usually, it's Legion who comes here looking for things to do with Garrus, not the other way around. I guess the guns do not need calibrating after the Collector base is now gone."

"I would not say that," EDI said. "Garrus is hiding in the A.I. Core."

"Hiding huh? Not from me, I hope," Shepard said.

"I do not know if the sexual encounter with you before the Collector base is what prompted Garrus from hiding in the A.I. Core," EDI explained plainly. "Although I will not put it past him to do that."

"Unshackling you had made you into a real ass sometimes, EDI," Shepard laughed. "You should be glad I get most of your humor."

"That was not a joke," EDI said.

Shepard narrowed her eyes and put her fist up.

"That was a joke," EDI said.

"Ha ha ha," Shepard said. "Careful, I might fry your torchlight ass with a screwdriver."

"That must be a joke too," EDI said.

"Depends on my mood, EDI," Shepard said. "Depends on my mood."

"Like right now," EDI chimed."Your mood is in favor of repeating your sentence to make a dramatic point?"

"Right you are, EDI," Shepard said. "Right you are."

\------------------------------------------------

Shepard walked into the A.I. Core to see a dancing Geth and a dancing Turian. Both were moving and adruptedly stopping their movements, making an impression of what robots would do. Never had she seen the sight of either Garrus or Legion dancing. And the sight of those two dancing the robot dance and syncing their moves were beyond her comprehension. What was more, Legion was beatboxing, creating a vocal percussion of drum beats and rhythms that the two were dancing to. The brows of Shepard's eyes were lifted so high, she could feel the vein at the back of her right eye socket popped. What were these two silly geese doing?

"What the hell, Vakarian," Shepard said. "What did you make Legion do? Didn't I say No More Legion Abuse just the other day?"

"And didn't I say it wasn't abuse if he likes it?" Garrus said. "Look at him. He's enjoying himself."

"You learning the robot dance from Legion?" Shepard asked.

"Garrus-Vakarian is teaching me to dance," Legion said. "We have come to a consensus that we enjoy this form of social expression."

"You would," Garrus laughed. "See, Shepard? He's having fun, not being asked to shove himself into ventilation shafts, or to run in and out of elevators with white sheets over his head. And he learns something which he can use for social occasion at the Citadel in the future."

"Oh yeah," Shepard said. "I'm sure Legion will fit right into Purgatory."

"He'll rock that place," Garrus said.

"The next thing I know you'll be teaching him to dance Techno to the beat of some rock music. Vakarian, are you really that bored after the Collector base? No more guns to calibrate?"

"Lots," Garrus said. "But I am going back in oh... An hour and fifteen minutes."

"How's that?"

"Garrus-Vakarian is hiding from Yeoman-Kelly-Chambers," Legion answered for him. "He said she had been inappropriately caressing his "rare end", which he said technically means she has been floundering his gluteus maximus. The Turians also call it the posterior."

"Hmmm," Shepard said. "Someone's been learning happily from you, alright. So, Kelly noticed you've a nice ass, huh? I see she has at least some good taste."

"If you want to learn more from me, Legion," Garrus warned. "You better shut that Geth mouth of yours. Or you will be learning dancing from Commander Shepard instead."

"What's wrong with my dancing?" Shepard said. "I think I'm pretty good."

"The probability of Shepard-Commander correctly dancing to the beat and rhythm of music is zero -point-zero-six-two-one. The probability of Shepard-Commander's dancing being considered as a socially unacceptable act when witnessed by others is one-point-zero," Legion said to no one in particular.

Garrus was laughing in a corner but Shepard was too offended to care at the moment.

"Legion," Shepard said. "Who told you I can't dance? I'm pretty good at it!"

"No data available," Legion looked down.

"Legion! You skinny ass Geth!" Shepard exasperated.

"It's fine, Shepard," Garrus laughed. "You have other redeeming qualities."

"Oh no, Turian. I know you have a hand in this," Shepard said. "Two can play this game. I'm so going out now and telling Kelly where all your favorite hiding places are!"

"Please don't," Garrus begged. "I promise I'll not tell anyone else you're a terrible dancer and let them find that out themselves."

Shepard smacked the laughing Turian in the chest.

"Why are you running from Kelly anyway?" she asked. "It wasn't like she had never came on to you before. You handled that pretty well enough."

"It's different, Shepard," Garrus said. "After we came back from the Omega Four Relay, she seemed hell bend on wanting to sleep with me! I've been trying hard to tell her I'm not into humans, but she don't seemed to get it."

"I'm human," Shepard smiled.

"You're different," Garrus smiled too.

"I think you're too soft," Shepard said.

"I'm a Turian, Shepard," Garrus said. "I'm never soft."

"Remember the last time Wrex came up to the ship?" Shepard said. Garrus nodded.

"So, I took him around before we met up with him in my quarters, and he met Kelly in the C.I.C. Kelly, being Kelly, introduced herself to Wrex."

"I can see trouble already," Garrus laughed.

"Exactly. She said something along the line of she thought his scars were sexy," Shepard said.

"What did Wrex do to her after?" Garrus asked.

"Nothing," Shepard answered.

"Nothing?" Garrus asked again.

"Nothing," Shepard answered again.

"Then what's the point of you telling me the story?" Garrus said.

"I said he did nothing," Shepard said. "He just stood there a full ten minutes watching her. Legion was with me."

"Battermaster-Urdnot-Wrex stood and watched Yeoman-Kelly-Chambers for eleven minutes and twenty-four seconds," Legion concurred. "The single action produced an elevated heart rate increase of thirty-three point six-two eight percent for Yeoman-Kelly-Chambers at the third minute mark. At the fifth minute mark, mental discomfort was registered with heightened brain activity in the...."

"Ok, ok," Garrus stopped the chatty Geth. "I get it. You want me to act like an asshole with her to make her back off."

"I didn't think Wrex was an asshole," Shepard said. "But he does do and say the most effective things, on most days, since we known him."

Then Shepard went all quiet and bit down her lower lip.

"Wait," she said. "I take it back. Don't go too hard on her. I think she is suffering from PTSD."

Before Garrus could open his mouth to put in a word, Shepard spoke again,

"But you should get rid of her."

"What the hell do you want me to do?" Garrus asked. "Be nice. Don't be nice. Be nice. Don't be nice. Make up your mind, human!"

"Just do what you do to... I don't know, ditch overly clingy Turian women," Shepard said.

"This definition of Turian women does not exist," Legion said.

The two ignored the Geth. Understanding he was not part of the conversation finally, Legion went back to his newly acquired skills. Shepard still watched him, amazed that a Geth was dancing and drumming a beat with his... not really there mouth.

"You have club lights in there somewhere, Legion?" Shepard asked.

"We do not," Legion said. "We can come to a consensus to implement the light design if it pleases Shepard-Commander."

"Don't!" Garrus said. "Don't you even dare fix a disco light in that head of yours."

"Shepard-Commander?" Legion's panel flapped. He was confused.

"I don't care," Shepard said without looking at Garrus. "Do what makes you happy, Legion. But if Vakarian wants to spend another night in the Captain's quarters, he would need to come up with something along the way of ditching over clingy Turian women and make me happy."

"I do. I do want to," Garrus said immediately. "I'll think of something, ok?"

"You do that," Shepard said. "You have till dinner later."

"That's like barely three hours away!"

"Legion is here," Shepard said, walking out. "He has one thousand Geth programs inhibiting him. Get him to teach you something. Or get him to help you ditch the Yeoman. Better than you two silly geese dancing in here out of boredom and gossiping about my dance moves."

"One thousand, one hundred and eighty-three," Legion corrected.


	14. Chapter 14

The Turian was a desperate guy. On his left, he had Legion flapping his panels and watching him with the curiosity of a Geth. On his right, a Salarian scientist who spoke at the speed of sound and could not stop touching his console, was made to sit on a crate and keep his six fingers to himself. In front of him, where he did most of his work, the voice of a Krogan Battlemaster boomed. Two of the greatest, most experienced minds of the universe and one very efficient machine were there to solve his problem. Yet non of them could come up with anything good.... Well, the Geth mobile platform just happened to be there at the moment, so to Garrus, he did not count as an advisor.

"Why can't you just throw her out of the airlock?" Wrex said from Tuchanka. "Shepard said she's kind of useless. Couldn't give her even the right information like if she has mails or not. Some secretary she is."

"I can't airlock her," Garrus said. "Shepard would have my ass if I did."

"Shepard already has your ass," Wrex laughed.

"Shut up or give me something useful, Krogan," Garrus said.

"Poison," Mordin said. "Odorless. Easily administered. No witnesses. Perfect crime on the Normandy."

"And then space her," Wrex laughed.

"For the last time, we're not spacing or poisoning Kelly Chambers!" Garrus said.

"The refuse compactor can assist in disposal. It dehydrates before compacting refuse. We can assist in calibrating the compactor for organic disposal," Legion said.

"And then we space her," Wrex laughed.

"You guys aren't helping," Garrus said. "And I don't have much time left. Shepard wants it dealt with before dinner. Now help me think!"

"Have never let down a prospective mating request before?" Mordin asked. "Personally had done it numerous times. Have had other species become attracted to me before. Awkward. Not interested."

"Don't tell me how you let them down," Garrus said. "Please."

"Tell them to study cell reproduction," Mordin said. "Much simpler. May also tell them "not interested" please proceed to nearest club for another mating selection. Most effective way, use farm equipment and cut off limbs. No words needed."

"I told you not to tell me what you did," Garrus said. "Actually I don't even know why I bother to listen to you guys. One is made of metal with not even a sex organ. One is made of caffeine with no sex drive and then you, Wrex, is made of nothing but murderous intents!"

"Murder?" Wrex said on the other end. "Spacing someone annoying isn't murder. It's a service to the galaxy. Give me a chance to prove that and you'll see the counsel floating out there someday. You'll thank me then."

"We have a suggestion," Legion said. "May we speak?"

"Legion," Garrus said. "I know you're the most helpful Geth in the universe right now, but I really don't think you know how to handle this kind of situation. Just stay there till I am done and I will be right with you, okay?"

"Yes, Garrus-Vakarian," Legion said.

"Geth are efficient. No nonsense," Mordin said. "Maybe have good suggestion."

"I hate to say this, but I'm inclined to agree with your Salarian there," Wrex said. "That Geth is a strange one, but it's a good kind of strange. Your ship has all kinds of strange anyway, strange should always be used to counteract strange."

"Well said, Urdnot Wrex," Mordin agreed wholeheartedly.

"You do know he meant you too, don't you?" Garrus asked.

"Been always called strange," Mordin said. "Even by own race. Good strange, bad strange. All have different views. Used to it. Does not affect my morales. Prefer strange than mediocre."

"So Geth," Wrex said. "Give us your suggestion."

"He has a name, Krogan," Garrus said. "It's Legion."

"So Geth," Wrex repeated. "Give us your suggestion."

"We have intercepted a message from Yeoman-Kelly-Chambers to Shepard-Commander that is an almost copy of the one she had sent to Garrus-Vakarian," Legion explained. "We have experience in writing reply mails to organics and we are very proud of our ability. We can form an answer for you as well as for Shepard-Commander."

"Legion," Garrus said. "You answered one! One letter! And most of what you said in it sounded like you were writing the Turian army annual budget report! And why the hell are you going through my mails?"

"We are learning more about organics correspondences," Legion said. "We are interested in learning."

"Get yourself a pen pal next time!" Garrus said.

"We have tried," Legion explained. "We could not maintain long term correspondence. Most organics we corresponded to eventually stopped writing back after sending us warning messages to not contact them again."

"Told you, your Geth is strange," Wrex said. "Show us the letter, back to back. Lets see it."

Legion produced the letter with efficiency, sending it on a spit screen format for ease of comparison to all three of the organics who had requested for it.  
\--------------------------------------------------

Garrus' version was on the right while Shepard's was on the left. The three read and then watched the screen in silence for a moment like they were wondering where the message did differ. Or maybe, they were just shocked how anyone could be that unimaginative as to write the same message to different people.  
\--------------------------------------------------

Garrus' version:

From KellyGirl,

Hi, honey,

I keep thinking back to our evening together, and I'd love to spend more time with you. How about I slip into something more comfortable, and sneak into your room tonight? I plan on wearing something I can't talk about during work hours. You just have to call me down there to see it.

Love Kelly.  
\--------------------------------------------------

Shepard's version:

From KellyGirl,

Hi, honey,

I keep thinking back to our evening together, and I'd love to spend more time with you. How about I slip into something more comfortable, and sneak up to your cabin tonight? I plan on wearing something I can't talk about during work hours. You just have to call me up there to see it.

Love Kelly.  
\--------------------------------------------------

"Slept with her, did you?" Mordin finally broke the silence. "Thought you said no interest in humans except Shepard. This changes things."

"TURIAN!" Wrex shouted at Garrus all the way from Tuchanka.

"No!" Garrus immediately interjected before Wrex could start vowing to pull his intestines out from his anus. "We had dinner! It was dinner time! In the mass hall! Shepard was engaged in a meeting with Miranda and Jacob and she wasn't there to eat dinner with me! That was it! Dinner! Mass hall! That was it!"

"Shepard not interested in same-sex relationship. Told me. Can guess then that it did not happen with her either," Mordin said.

"That human female is one messed up individual," Wrex claimed down. "I still suggest spacing her. She's a waste of oxygen on the ship."

"Idea!" Mordin suddenly shouted.

"Fuck!" Garrus was startled.

"SALARIAN!" Wrex shouted right back. "What is wrong with you!"

"My apologies," Mordin said. "Used to verbalizing discoveries of ideas with shouts. More dramatic. Extremely good for acting practices. Would anyone like to hear?"

"No one wants to hear about your acting practices," Wrex said. "Unless it involves deaths of some of your kind."

"Do not myself enjoy watching Salarian dying," Mordin said. "Lots of whining. Very noisy. Not about practices. Speaking of idea."

"Someday, Mordin," Garrus said. "Someday you'll scare even Legion into an organic with that."

Legion flapped his panels excitedly.

"Out with the idea, Salarian," Wrex said. "I don't have all day to play relationship counselor. I've a planet to run."

"Simple," Mordin said. "Give her what she asks for. Next...."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost to the end of this story. Am taking more time in between chapters cos of a bit of block. Have a new one on my mind that kept interfering... :p


	15. Chapter 15

"This just can't get any worse, can it?" Garrus asked Legion who was watching him and flaring his panels wide opened. "Tell me it just can't get any worse."

"We are unable to positively ensure no other negative occurrence will happen," Legion said.

"Garrus, I am afraid it got worse," EDI announced. "Shepard has just entered the elevator. She would be in this room in exactly three minutes and twenty-six seconds."

"We should hide," Mordin said. "Suggest under the bed."

"Yeah, sure," Garrus said. "Best suggestion from you now is hide under the bed, Mordin?"

"Just kidding. Idea did went well," Mordin said. "Just did not anticipate Yeoman Chambers' reaction. Must agreed with Urdnot Wrex that she is indeed a strange one. Actually, not kidding. We should hide."

"Estimated time of Shepard's arrival - three minutes and two seconds," EDI said over the comm.

"We should hide," Legion repeated Mordin's words, flapping his panels even more.

"You too, Legion?" Garrus asked. "This is so not you."

"We have arrived at a consensus that Doctor-Mordin's suggestion is the best course of action to take at this moment," Legion answered.

"Estimated time of Shepard's arrival - two minutes and thirty seconds," EDI announced again.

"Stop doing that, EDI!" Garrus said. "You're doing that on purpose!"

"No, Garrus," EDI said. "But I do sense a state of urgency in your plans to hide from your own girlfriend."

"Not helping, EDI," Garrus said. "And I'm not the one suggesting we hide."

"Would telling you there is a ledge outside the Captain's quarters after you exit the door be of more help?" EDI asked. "It is wide enough to accommodate a Turian, a Salarian and a Geth mobile unit. Estimated time of Shepard's arrival - one minutes and fifteen seconds."

"Follow," Mordin said. "If we hurry, we can still make it."

"Why are we leaving?" Garrus asked as he followed Legion who was following the Salarian scientist. "I am not hiding. Mordin! It may look bad but Shepard will get it. Why are we leaving?"

"Awkward," Mordin said. "Very awkward. Better not have to explain how this happened."

The brilliant ship's scientist got as far as the stairs to Shepard's working station before the door slid opened and in came a rather distracted Commander.

"EDI," she was saying. "I do not need to go check on the damn fridge! For the last time, stop suggesting me to go do this or that! I need a...."

And Shepard saw the three in her room before she finally said the last word, "shower.... Mordin? Legion? What are you doing in our room?"

Garrus felt a great sense of pride when he heard Shepard said that it was their room instead of her room only. But then he remembered what Mordin did and his ego immediately deflated.

"In your room?" Mordin asked. "Ah, yes. In your room. Not going to be for long. Leaving."

Knowing Mordin was up to something which had everything to do with her room from the way he had answered her, Shepard pushed Mordin back a few steps, sending him colliding with Legion who was right behind. She barely narrowed her eyes at the Salarian before something else to her left caught her attention. She turned slightly and stared. And then, her jaws dropped.

"Guys," she said quietly, her eyes wide opened. Mordin's supposed transgression, forgotten. "What is Kelly doing?"

"Yeoman-Kelly-Chambers appears to be waving," Legion said.

"In my room?" Shepard asked.

"That is an affirmative," Legion answered.

Shepard turned her eyes slowly toward Garrus, whom by now had hidden his face in his talon. He was developing an Alenko size headache.

"Garrus," Shepard said quietly, pointing at the waving Kelly. "What is Kelly Chambers doing in there?"

"I wish I can explain that too," Garrus said.

"Garrus," Shepard asked again. "What is Kelly Chambers doing, swimming in my fish tank, wearing a purple stripper outfit?"

"That I did not suggested it," Mordin said. "Although suggested something else that led to it. The outfit. Was already in it. An excellent choice really. Does not absorb water. Made well for underwater activities as well. If noticed, matches the color of her breather. Excellent choice of outfit."

"Mordin," Shepard said. "I don't care about the color of her outfit matching her breather. I want to know what the hell is she doing in there dressed like a stripper! EDI! What the hell is Kelly doing in the fish tank?"

"Yeoman Chambers received a reply from you to meet her here after shift hours was over. She came in to find Mordin, Legion and Garrus instead. It was suggested to her that strip teasing was not innovative enough and that the Yeoman needed to be more creative."

"What reply?"

Garrus, being the good boyfriend he was, showed Shepard his data pad. Shepard read the two almost identical message sent to Garrus and herself and frowned.

"Thought to discourage her by telling her more creativity is needed to win your heart," Mordin said.

"So, Garrus. Your way of ditching Kelly is psyching her into swimming in our fish tank?"

"Trust me, Shepard," Garrus said. "This was farthest away by miles from the plan Mordin had."

"I was thinking along the lines of you telling her you have a girlfriend, me!" Shepard said. "That kind of ditching plan usually works one hundred and ten percent of the time."

"Was trying to help her. know her state is fragile at the moment," Mordin said. "Would have suggested some activities like mining the entire planet on foot with a pickaxe. Very good for Post Trumatic Stress Disorder. Relaxes the mind.... if mining activities do not take her where she might come in contact with mercs or carnivorous wildlife. Get minerals deposits too. Could take years. Kill two Turians with one stone."

"That is the worse bastardized analogy ever," Garrus said. "It's two birds with one stone, for your information."

"Same thing," Mordin said. "Avian ancestry similar. Turians more advance. Killing with stone, show effectiveness in executing stone."

"Look how effective you are," Shepard pointed to the glass tank.

"Never anticipated would take your breather and climb into tank. Very strange woman. Sexual pleasure would clearly not be heightened with fish tank water. Prejek Paddle Fish. Made famous for their odd locomotion and feeding habits. Also known to excrete rare amino based chemical and cause water to become putrid. Very unhygienic to swim in it. Would smell foul for days after. Clothes, breather, hair. All foul smelling by now."

"That's my breather she's wearing?" Shepard voice was breaking. She was in distress. "That's the only breather I have.... I like that breather.

"We offered the breather from your armory to her," Legion said. "She would have drowned if she jumped in without it. She is not a Geth unit."

"At least no longer in dancing mood," Mordin said. "Strange human. Offered to dance for us when saw you were not in."

"Should have seen Legion," Garrus laughed. "He asked if she could teach him how to dance instead."

"Oh good God," Shepard face palmed. "Legion, you did not asked Kelly to teach you to strip tease."

"Garrus-Vakarian suggested we learn dancing. When Yeoman-Kelly-Chambers insisted on dancing for us, we came to the understanding that no one wanted to watch her perform. We then arrived at the consensus it was best we asked her to instruct us in the dance form instead to stop her from dancing. She would have been a good teacher. We might still learn from her after this."

"Oh please," Shepard begged. "Please do not learn to strip tease if you want me to look at you without laughing at you like an idiot."

"Very well," Legion said. "We shall not learn this dance form."

Kelly tapped the glass of the tank and waved at the Commander. Shepard watched her, blinking a bit before she slowly waved back. This made Kelly happier than she was and she started swimming in circles.

"Garrus...," Shepard pleaded. "How are we going to get that woman out of there?"

"I wish I know, Shepard," Garrus said. "Spirits, maybe I should have listened to Wrex and just spaced her."

"I should have just left her to melt into goo at the base," Shepard said. "But that meant I would have to let Chakwas get melted first before it came to her turn. And no one was melting my Doctor Chakwas."

Kelly waved again. Shepard forced a smile. Legion waved back. Mordin looked left to right and seeing he was out of reprimand zone, spoke up,

"Tap the glass? Signal? Get her out of there?"

"No," Shepard said. "Let her stay there till I come up with a good way to say, "you're fired" twice. I doubt the fish will get annoyed like I do with her around. And since she's already putrid, staying in there a while more won't do her more harm."

"Thought all the ship's crew decided to fire the Illusive Man?" Garrus said.

"Yes," Shepard replied. "They did. A few joined up with Jacob. Some decided to go to Grimson Academy. A few would like to continue working under Miranda. And you know Ken and Gabby. They're coming with us."

"So what's the problem?" Garrus asked.

"Well, Jacob said Kelly would not quite fit into his team, meaning keep her away from him. Miranda said plainly she would rather sit on a chair of nails and watch her butt swell three times its size than bring Kelly with her."

"And," Shepard added. "I really don't think I want her along. You know we're reporting back to Earth sooner or later. I'd rather have her not follow us all the way from here to half across all the relays while we drop everyone off. Since we'll be heading to the Citadel soon, I thought to tell her to, you know, stay there instead."

"That's not really firing her," Garrus pointed out.

"Still," Shepard said. "Never had to tell someone nice to leave before. Not even Alenko. It's hard to tell her she's not needed and that three quarter of the ship has complained she has been propositioning them."

"You know," Garrus said. "If you've told me this before, I wouldn't have been this desperate to get her gone and ended up going along with Mordin and Legion's plan. And now we have a Kelly Chambers in the fish tank, smelling like fish poo."

"Oh, it's my fault?" Shepard asked.

"Never," Garrus said. "Just saying."

Shepard tapped on the glass to get the swimming Yeoman's attention. Then, she did a 'thumbs up' sign and some other sign she could muster up to basically say, by gesturing, that Kelly should continue doing what she was doing.

"So, since you three were so brilliant as to get her to jump into the tank and swim with the fishes, give me something useful. I need to tell her she has been fired by everyone."

"Same words Officer Garrus used," Mordin said. ""Give something useful". Similar structure and tone as well. Interesting. Perhaps sexually intercourse altering DNA? Must study further. May I...."

"Oh hell, no!" Shepard said. "No. No. No. No. No. You're not doing any study on me. Take the Turian."

"What?" Garrus was shocked Shepard would even suggest that. "Oh Spirits, no. No. No. No. No. No."

"How very interesting," Mordin said. "Both need further study. Should go to my lab now and proceed. This way. Follow."

Mordin pushed passed Shepard and headed for the door without looking back.

"Actually, have you had dinner?" Garrus asked.

"No," Shepard said. "I was trying, unsuccessfully, to talk Jacob or Miranda into taking Kelly for like hours. It was so tiring."

"Why don't we just go see what Mordin wants and then head down for some chow. I heard Levo has steak."

"Dextro?" Shepard asked.

"A very nice dinner too, apparently," Garrus said. "Let's go before the Salarian took the elevator down without us. It would take it forever to get back up."

"Yes," Shepard said, following Legion who was following Mordin. "I am starving now."

"Maybe later," Garrus said. "We can test this little new thing I learned call foot massage. I read humans love that kind of things."

"Oh you have no idea how much I appreciate you right now," Shepard smiled. "Not even steaks can top a Turian foot masseur."

"I know that to be true," Garrus purred.

"No cheesy Flux music this time though," Shepard warned, "Or I'll personally delete all your music collection."

"That was Mordin's idea," Garrus said. "Trust me, I have better taste than that."

"Fleet and the Flotilla is not exactly better taste, Vakarian."

"Hurry up. Elevator wont wait," Mordin said as the two slipped in before the door closed. "Dinner time. Have appointment to meet with Doctor Chakwas."

And down the four of them went. Only two out of the four remembered there was a Yeoman still swimming in the fish tank but one opted not to tell anyone he remembered.The second one was still learning when he should speak, and when he should not. And at the moment, he was at the state of not having any data available regarding if it would be the right thing to do to remind his Shepard-Commander she had gestured ordered the Yeoman to keep swimming and forgotten all about it.  
\------------------------------------------------

It was not easy trying to fish the Yeoman out of the fish tank after letting her swim in there for three whole hours. Kelly was too exhausted to climb out of the tank and Shepard was too short to get to her. Garrus simply refused to get in there for fear of drowning. In the end, they had to call up Grunt to do the job of extracting the poor girl.

"Can I eat the fish when I'm in there?" Grunt asked after he was told what to do.

"You just had dinner, Grunt!" Shepard said.

"What's good are those fish in there if not to eat?" Grunt said. "It's a waste of good food."

"You go in there and get Kelly and that is it," Shepard ordered. "Or else no allowance this week for chocolate."

Grunt grunted but lumbered to the ladder that was placed by the tank. For a Krogan who lumbered the way he did, it was amazing that he could also be swift and limber. Garrus and Shepard watched as he climbed up the ladder, lifted himself effortless on to the edge of the tank and swung a Krogan leg, then another over it, finally slipping into the water like an overweight eel and swimming his way to the floating Yeoman. He dragged her to the glass and lifted her over his head like she weighed nothing.

"Watch it!"

Shepard called out a second too late. Grunt flipped Kelly over the edge of the tank and she landed smack flat on her face in front of Shepard. Kelly groaned, pulling off the breather and rubbing her forehead as she rolled over. An egg-size bump was quickly developing on her forehead.

"Spirits, she smells," Garrus said.

"I told you to be careful!" Shepard scolded Grunt after he got out of the tank.

"You told me to get her out," Grunt smirked like a Wrex. "But you didn't say how I should get her out. I got her out the fastest way I could. I don't want to stay in there any longer than I should and end up smelling like her."

"That was payback for saying I would cut your chocolate allowance, wasn't it?" Shepard said.

"Heh heh heh heh," came the reply.

"I might just cut your allowance for buying action figures too," Shepard waved a warning finger at the young Krogan.

"Actually Shepard, you can't," Garrus said. "That came out of his pay, not the allowance you give him."

"Oh," Shepard blinked, only realizing. "Why am I giving you an allowance when you're paid?"

"Because you love me?" Grunt answered her question.

Garrus laughed, "For that answer, I'm so buying you three rounds of ryncol the next time we dock."

"When did you two become so tight?" Shepard said.

"Heh heh heh heh," Grunt laughed, picked up Kelly and slung her over his shoulder. "I'll take her to the med bay. My own initiative. No charge. But some more chocolate would be nice this month."

He continued laughing as he took the Yeoman out of the room, leaving a trail of fish tank water for the two to clean up after.  
\------------------------------------------------

"Looks like I chased off every suitor I had," Shepard said after she came out of the shower. "Now I'm left with only a Turian."

It had taken them a while to clean, disinfect and then dry the floor. It was a good thing the cabin was not carpeted. Shepard had no idea her fish smelled so wrong until Grunt threw the soaked Kelly out of the tank.

"True," Garrus said, drying his fringe with his tower as he climbed into bed next to the now comfortable Shepard. "With Kelly smelling that bad for days, I doubt she'll dare come near you for a while after this. She would most likely avoid us from now on for fear of what you might accidentally do to torture her again."

"And, Jacob has personally given me a restraining order to keep myself exactly one point five meters away from him so my hands could not touch him when I speak with him," Shepard added. "I think he is afraid I would take off more than his brows if I touch him. So much for being a "prizeeeeeee"."

"And," Garrus said. "You also gave Thane morning sickness every time he slips into remembering how you drove. You do have a way of scaring people off, don't you?"

"I do, don't I?" Shepard said, cuddling him and putting one of her legs over his. "I'm a horrible human, Garrus."

"And I'm a bad Turian, Shepard," he said, putting his arm around her to pull her closer.

"Guess we're pretty good for each other then, huh?" Shepard asked.

"I'd said we're perfectly fitted for each other," Garrus said. "Shall I show you how perfectly fitted we are?"

"I thought you'd never ask," Shepard smiled.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> This is more or less interjected with my last story "Horizon: The Confrontation and Beyond" so if you have not read that one, just know that some references might be coming from there when you read this. This is the same Shepard as in the other story. She is the only Shepard I actually know because that is how I imagined her to act like while she wasn't all serious about beating bad guys up. Not a personal Shepard though. I can't personally claim her as my own. :P


End file.
